Many parents are in pain because of the drug or alcohol abuse of their children. Their lives have been turned upside down.
Taking care of yourself can easily go by the wayside when things feel overwhelming.
Often we feel confused, sad, angry, frustrated and fearful when we realize that our child has a substance use problem.
Parents may feel guilty or selfish if they consider taking the time to help themselves. The truth is that your mental, emotional and physical health suffers when you are under stress for a long period of time.
When you reach out for support, you are not only helping yourself, but you will be able to make better choices and help your child in a more positive way.
Recognizing that this is a big problem is the first step. The second step is knowing the benefits of reaching out for help.
I remember making that first call to an addictions counselor and how awkward and scared I felt. Looking back, I’m so glad I did because after the first call, it became easier each time to reach out. There are no guarantees, but reaching out for outside help is one of the reasons our kids enter treatment and finally reach recovery.
I finally felt more empowered in this new situation which I found myself that I had never expected or anticipated.
Walking through your fear allows you to get the help that will make the difference in your well-being. Your courage is within you. When you peel back the layers, you will find it.
What Addiction Does to a Family
Why do you need to reach out for help? Let me first share with you some comments I’ve heard from parents about how they are feeling as they try to cope with their child’s addiction.
Since April I’ve been sending out a survey to new readers.
Here are some responses from one of the questions:
What do you struggle with most?
- “Everything – pain, detachment, not getting caught up in trying to ‘save’.”
- “Constantly worrying when I get calls late at night.”
- “Guilt, shame, fear”
- “The constant turmoil created by having a son who is an addict.”
- “My obsession with my addict”
Know that if you are feeling this way, you are not alone.
If you didn’t get a chance to complete the survey and would like to, the Information is at the bottom of this post.
Benefits of taking care of yourself
You might ask, “Why worry about taking care of myself, when I am focused on my child?”
The answer is that taking care of yourself can make the difference because:
- You will not feel so stressed and anxious.
- You will feel more empowered, communicate better and make wiser decisions.
- You will know how to support your child in a positive way.
- Your fear will subside, because solutions will begin to flow more freely and you will feel confident that you can act on your intuition.
- You will not feel so suffocated by your child’s substance abuse issues.
- Your feelings of shame will lesson when you are supported by others and have the opportunity to communicate your feelings.
- Your mental and physical health will improve.
- Your life will feel more balanced.
- You will begin to feel inner peace.
Ways That You Can Take Care of Yourself
There are many ways to reach out and get the help that you need.
Below is a list of possibilities. Everyone’s needs are different, as one size doesn’t fit all.
CRAFT – Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) helps family and friends learn effective strategies for helping their loved one to change. It helps family members feel better. CRAFT works to affect the loved one’s behavior by changing the way the family interacts with him or her.
Three goals of CRAFT are to help families move their loved one toward treatment, helps reduce the loved one’s alcohol and drug use, whether or not the loved one has engaged in treatment yet, and improve the lives of the concerned family and friends.
I’ve recently attended a training about CRAFT. What I like about it, is that it is researched based. In other words studies show that when families use the CRAFT strategies, they have a greater chance of getting their child to agree to attend a treatment program.
Al-Anon Family Groups – Al-Anon is a 12 step support group for anyone who is struggling with a family members substance abuse. Often parents are told by counselors to attend. Groups can be found in cities world-wide and most large cities have a parent group. I have felt that a parent group is a better fit for my situation, but the suggested practice is to try six groups before you decide if you want to continue with Al-Anon. Nar-Anon Family Groups and Families Anonymous are two other 12 step choices. Al-Anon complements other forms of therapy and is way to connect with others who share their personal stories, offer support and encouragement.
Family Counseling – Meeting with a counselor trained in addiction can be very beneficial to all family members, especially parents. Alcohol and drug addiction are both considered “family diseases.” The family dynamic in drug and alcohol addiction is incredibly powerful.
Counseling can help address an unhealthy imbalance in the family structure. This may be one of your first steps in moving your child toward treatment. Counseling with your child as well as other family members who are feeling the pain of the addiction can help move your family toward recovery and healing. I have attended therapy at different times along this journey. I have found that being able to discuss my personal issues with a trained professional has been extremely beneficial.
Coaching – Coaching is not counseling, therapy or advice giving. It does not dwell on the past, rather it leads the client to the future with goal setting. Coaching does not endorse any specific type of recovery. A recovery coach is not a sponsor. Coaching can be helpful for the parent or family member.
Coaches often work with clients to discover their values so that they have a better understanding of themselves. Coaches use questioning as a technique to help clients discover their own answers to what is keeping them stuck. Finding the positive aspects in a negative situation can also be a technique that is used. It helps create a mental shift in how you view your current situation.
Parent Hotline – If you are interested in talking to an addictions counselor to get some immediate help, call The Parents Toll-Free Helpline – 1-855-DRUGFREE – (1-855-378-4373) – Mon.-Fri. – 10:00-6:00 EST. I have personally met the two counselors, Jerry and Denise. They are both wonderful resources, caring and compassionate and will share their wisdom and guidance as they listen to your question or concern.
Physical Exercise – This may seem like a no brainer, but when parents are overwhelmed with their child’s substance abuse, physical exercise may fall by the way side. A simple walk, game of tennis, a run with music from your headphones, yoga or a workout at the gym are all ways to help keep your body fit. Exercise can calm your mind, keep you focused and helps you relieve your stress. You will feel more relaxed and happy. Especially during this time of emotional overwhelm. Make every effort to start or keep up a regular exercise program.
Personal Health – During this time, it is especially important to pay attention to your personal health. Keep your doctors and dentist’s appointments. Pay attention to any health concerns. Eating right or sleeping well can be a challenge when you are concerned about your child. You cannot be supportive of your child’s recovery if you are run down and stressed out. Keep personal health and your overall well-being as your priority.
Meditation – So often we think of meditation as one of those voodo practices that sounds just a little too mystical. That being said, I continue to hear more and more from mainstream America, about the benefits of a regular meditation practice. From someone who is practical and no-nonsense (that would be me), I started with yoga and was gently encouraged to try meditation. Although I’m still working on reining in my wandering mind, I enjoy receiving the benefits of meditation.
Scientific studies have shown that meditation helps us be happier, less stressed, healthier and better able to deal with the unpredictability of life. Meditation is free and something that becomes easier with practice. There are guided meditation tapes you can listen to or a number of strategies that help, such as counting your breath to 108. Yes, patience and persistence helps. As you practice, the feeling of calm will continue to become irresistible.
Gain Knowledge About Substance Abuse – There are many books, videos and websites that will inform you about substance abuse. Rather than list them again here, please check my recent post, Are You the Parent of an Addicted Child Who Needs Resources?
Your life might look a lot different when you take care of yourself. I’ve talked to parents who are anxious and stressed about their situation. Then there are others with similar issues who react calmly and do what they can to find a little positive light in every day.
By practicing self-care, your stress and pain will be lessened. The chances that your child will recover are greater. You will feel empowered and be more at peace with the situation.
Remember there is always hope for your child.
Some examples of self-care practices that have helped others will be coming soon in a future post.
What are your thoughts about taking care of yourself while dealing with your child’s substance abuse issues? How has it helped you? What has worked for you? Please let us know in comments.
Are you concerned about your adolescent’s substance use? Getting support from someone who has walked in your shoes can be life changing. Coaching is a way to have more clarity and understanding about your situation and to take steps to move forward in a positive way. Click here to book a strategy session with me and find out how coaching can help you.
Cathy,
This is very good advice for parents. Taking care of yourself is #1. You will be better able then to take care of others. Just like on the airlines when they ask you to do your oxygen mask first. First take care of yourself and then take care of others. Easy to say though and often hard to do!
Great post!
Hi Betsy,
I love that analogy of the oxygen mask. It does sound selfish to think about ourselves first, especially to us moms who are the nurturers, but so important. It is hard to do and takes practice. It is an ongoing process for me and I’m sure for others, but hard to be of much help to anyone else when our energy is tapped out.
Cathy-
The advice you give is excellent for everyone – whether you have a child with an addiction, are in the role of caretaker, or a person who needs to learn to put herself first. Doing so is critical. Thanks for the reminder ~ Fran
Hi Fran,
The idea does carry over to many situations. So much of the advice about recovery does, actually. Being in the caretaker role or the nurturer of the family, to keep the fuel tank filled, it is helpful to practice self care daily.
This is a great comprehensive read about what happens to families during these times. Parents and families need lots to support and you have done a great job outlining their options Cathy – thanks!
Hi Leslie,
Thank you for your kind words. Parents and families can easily become stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety and stress when trying to cope with their child’s issues. Reaching out for help can bring the peace and serenity we are looking for.
Dear Cathy,
While I don’t have an addict in my family I do come from a dysfunctional family. If I posed your four questions to my two siblings we would all respond very similarly. Having a narcissistic parent with major control issues can be as devastating as having an addict in the family.
To get over this, deal with it and live with it on a daily basis you do need to take care of yourself. It’s also so important as you point out so well here in this insightful article, to put your needs first.
How will you cope if you cannot return to your inner center and grounded self on a daily basis? How will you cope if every action and comment sends you into an emotional tailspin or puts you on the defensive?
Meditation, exercise and eating right are so very necessary to remaining detached, calm an centered and for staying above the entanglement of emotional drama.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful article and your personal experience and advice with us. It is much needed.
Thanks for sharing your insights, Angela. So many families have issues that stem from similar problems, and manifest themselves in different ways. It is so important to take care of ourselves and realize that it is not being selfish. By keeping ourselves in good physical and mental shape we are more available to help others when needed, as well as enjoy our own life. Thanks for stopping by!
Cathy,
Love the questions you pose. Parents do not like to take care of themselves. It allows one to play the victim role.I think it also makes them feel like they are also giving up control of the situation. Then one can feel sorry for themselves and think…poor me.
Hi Tess,
So true. When we continue to blame others for our issues, it keeps us stuck in a never ending cycle that is not helpful to anyone. Recognizing how the family dynamics can change and improve is helpful to all concerned. Take care!
Such encouragement Cathy. I remember years ago reading that whatever it is we want to give, we first must have it within, and if we deplete all our resources without any replenishment, we end up empty and are in no position then to support anyone else.
Great advice from one who’s been there, seen it and done it.
So well said, Elle. Only by replenishing ourselves are we there for others. When our resources are plentiful, we can then calmly enjoy our life and be supportive in a positive way. Thank you!
Boy this is such an important topic, Cathy…and what a comprehensive list you’ve compiled. As you write, it’s counter-intuitive to take care of oneself when one’s child is struggling but it’s the best thing for the parent and their child. Thanks so much for sharing.
Hey Lisa,
You are so right. Parents, especially, myself included have a hard time putting themselves before their kids. In the long run, it is really the best thing to do. Kids and parents benefit from having a parent who takes care of themselves and is not overly stressed, depressed or feeling overwhelmed. Thanks for stopping by.
Hi Cathy, thanks for a great list of resources and ideas to survive a child’s addiction. I’m sure families parents experiencing this immediately think substance abuse problems are their fault or cause by them. I think instead of guilt and shame, parents should strive to use the resources you describe and focus more on self-care to cope with the child’s addiction. If parents are not in the best frame of mind, they can’t be of help to the child who needs help.
And on the topic of taking care of ourselves, it’s probably a good idea for all of to do so during our lives to avoid not only substance abuse problems but stress, alcoholism, relationship issues etc. The better place we’re in, the more we can contribute back to others.
Hi Vishnu,
As you mentioned, it is important to take care of ourselves no matter what our situation. Thanks for pointing that out, and self care is definitely not limited to substance abuse issues. So much of what I hear when it comes to recovery, carries over to most other issues. Take care and appreciate your input.
No doubt, Cathy – how could we ever hope to effectively help someone we love with any disorder if our personal stores are empty. Often guilt-generating; however, looking out for #1 isn’t such a bad concept. Great resource material provided here, and that’s super-helpful. You do such fine work, Cathy. As a provider/clinician, I respect and appreciate it…
Bill
Thanks for your kind words Bill. I’m sure you have seen the benefits of self care, and also the what happens when someone is overly anxious or stressed for an extended period of time. It’s never good. Take care and always love to hear your thoughts.
Cathy,
Yet another terrific resource for the family system. I especially like the way you listed the benefits of taking care of oneself before the “ways” cuz personally, that’s how/why I “buy” stuff…
You continue to provide such an attractive menu of choices for people while “covering all the bases.”
Excellent.
Hi Herby,
I like to see the benefits first as well, so I know why I need to bother with something new. As I’m sure you know, when you keep yourself in positive mode, you are available for whatever comes your way. Thanks for stopping by!
Hi Cathy, I once met a woman at a meeting who sat beside me and sobbed over her son’s drug addiction. In her words was the kind of sorrow reserved for a tragedy – a death. Her son had taken off a few days before and she feared he was dead. She’d spent the 5 years prior doing nothing but working two jobs and obsessing over her son…driving around looking for him…skipping meals because of anxiety. I cried, too, not because of the pain she was enduring but because no one had reached out to help her. She was completely ill and alone. When someone in the group suggested that she detach, get counseling and regain her life, she replied, “But I can’t. I’m his mother.” The group shared their similar experiences and gave inspiring words. But she never returned that meeting. I’ve often prayed for her. There’s so much education needed for parents with kids who abuse substances or are addicts. Thank you for the work you do, Cathy.
Hi Jody,
It is so sad to listen to these kind of stories. I have also encountered a number of moms who have not reached out in any way to help themselves via a meeting, counseling, coaching or friends. They are dealing with their child’s addiction in isolation due to their stigma and their shame.
I’ve realized through the years, that that what makes the difference is getting help. As you know only too well, this is a family disease and affects everyone. Of course, not guarantees, but everyone is helped when parents and siblings get help for themselves. Thanks for sharing your story!
Sometimes I overwhelmed when talking about it. It consumes our lives. I struggle daily. I often used to feel I wanted the worst to just happen so I could mourn my daughter and put her troubled soul to rest. This will never leave us. It is now permanently part of our existence. Taking care of ourselves is near impossible when our struggling children are only a single thought away, and that thought sends us spiraling. At best, we can slow our breathing.