Robin Kellner and her husband, John lost their lovely daughter, Zoe nine years ago in an accidental overdose.
Robin has graciously agreed to share her beautifully written letter about her daughter with the hope of helping more families become aware of the dangers of substance use.
Please read Robin’s letter:
April 9, 2016
Dear parents,
Nine years ago today, my daughter Zoe died in her bedroom, alone, in our home — from an accidental overdose.
She was only 22 years old. Zoe was beautiful, intelligent, decent. She was really the kid who knew better.
Zoe was loved and loving — once you met her, you fell in love with her.
As a parent, I never imagined my child would die before me.
And I never ever considered she would die from taking drugs — a combination of drugs that slowed down her respiration so that her heart stopped.
I’m sorry to be so graphic, but I just never fully realized something like this could happen to us. I know now we need to talk about drugs, drug overdose, and in detail.
When I became a mother, it felt like such a miracle. I remember the day I took Zoe home from the hospital. I understood the responsibility I had for another person’s life. It felt overwhelming, scary, but at the same time, so incredible.
I felt like the luckiest person on earth to have a child.
When we lost her, it was beyond any loss I have ever experienced. My hopes and dreams for Zoe are gone. The things we imagine for our children will not be for her.
I became the person you don’t want to ask the most normal question in the world –“do you have children”? That has become the most dreaded question; not just for me, but also for those who innocently ask me.
Trying to understand how this all happened, and how this happened to us, has not been easy. I needed to find some answers.
In the last nine years here’s what I’ve learned, so far.
Anything can happen to any one of us.
I know that sounds pretty obvious, but I don’t know if I really understood that. Drug misuse is, unfortunately, prevalent, and affects different people differently. Some misuse drugs and move on without serious consequences. But for 10% or so, it can become lethal — and fatal as the accident was for Zoe.
There are several mental health issues that can be indicators or predictors, possibly making some people more vulnerable than others to misusing drugs. Zoe had several of these markers. Unfortunately her pediatrician and her adolescent medicine physician never made the connection, so neither did I.
And because there can often be mental health issues, being punitive has no place when dealing with drug misuse and your kids. No one wants to be the person, losing control, missing out on life, living without options. If he or she could do better, they definitely would.
Finding good treatment in 2007, when we desperately needed it for Zoe, was horribly challenging. Times are changing, though not fast enough. You will need to do a lot of your own work and research, vetting professionals and treatment facilities. Getting the right help is crucial.
Initially, I couldn’t find the treatment that Zoe needed. Through trial and error, we did find a doctor who thought he could help Zoe. But we lost so much time, and time turned out to be crucial.
Using drugs recreationally can be like a game of Russian roulette. It was for Zoe. On the night of April 9, 2007, she did what she had done many times before, but this time it didn’t turn out the way she expected.
She suffered an accidental fatal overdose. I pray that she had no idea what was happening and that she just went to sleep.
If your kids start struggling with drugs, mobilize whatever resources you can. Ask your primary care physician, your pediatrician, or your adolescent medicine doctor, whom they might recommend etc. If they don’t have a suggestion, get in touch with a local hospital or treatment center. Ask questions, look for humane and evidence-based treatment.
When your loved one is misusing drugs, the issue is health, not character, not moral failing.
All of our kids are incredibly good kids. They are special, sensitive and thoughtful — they are “your” kids.
When I talk to parents who have lost youngsters, I so often hear that there was pain for some of those kids and maybe they did what they needed to in order to find some relief.
And talk to your children. Start the conversation about drugs with your kids, earlier than you think you need to, and more often than you probably would like to. Give them facts, information, not scare tactics. Be a role model. You want to model the behavior you are asking of your kids.
We all want our youngsters to be okay. But don’t be afraid of things you may see, early on, those indicators I spoke of. Recognizing problems early on can sometimes mean fewer complications, easier treatment and a better resolution.
I can’t bring Zoe back. It’s what I want more than anything in the world. To see her again, hear her voice, feel her skin which was velvet – – I want to have my daughter again.
The other thing that I want, is to help prevent this from happening to you.
Robin
A heartfelt thank you to Robin for sharing her story. To learn more, visit Zoe’s Story at the community Facebook page and website. Please forward these links to other families, so they will be encouraged to start the conversation about the dangers of drug use with their kids.
What has been your experience with your teen? Have they experimented with drugs or alcohol? What resources have helped you that would be important to share? What more can we do to prevent our kids going down this road of using substances? Please let us know in comments.
What a moving story. Knowing how that question you never want to be asked pierces your heart makes this feel all too real to me. Thanks for doing what you can to educate others.
Thank you Sandra. The more informed we are about the dangers of drug use, the better for all. I appreciate your support.
Cathy – – you’re so right. Information is prevention. And we can best protect our loved ones, when we have information well before there is even a hint of a problem with drug misuse.
Thank you Sandra. I believe this (drug misuse and the disease of addiction) is all too real for far too many people. Thank you for your interest in Zoe’s story. xo
Thank You for posting this beautiful story and Thank You Robin for your courage and strength in your writing about your beautiful daughter Zoe. Your strength and courage will help many others going through this nightmare. Thank YOU. HUGS
Thank you Cathy for stopping by. I so agree that Robin’s strength and courage will help many others going through this with their families.
Thank you Cathy, for your interest in my daughter Zoe and her story.
xo
Heartbreaking Cathy and Robin. No words can ever be enough to express how sad I feel for your loss. It’s unimaginable.
How generous it is of you Robin to share your story in the hopes of helping others and as always Cathy I’m in awe of the good you are doing in our world.
🙂
Thank you Elle for your comment and continued support. It means a lot!
Oh Robin – thank you so very much for sharing your letter to help others – truly – what a gift. And thank you, Cathy, for sharing it on your blog – as always, you provide another powerful tool to help parents of a child who struggles with substance misuse.
It is a huge problem, as you know, Lisa, so I’m grateful as well for Robin to generously share her story. I know it will help others.
Thank you Lisa. And I agree with you. Cathy provides a much needed platform for parents to connect, share and inform each other. Such good work.
Elle – – it is heartbreaking. And it is also heartbreaking that there are just so many of us. So many hearts broken due to drug misuse and addiction.
Wow, a powerful message and with all your love and efforts Zoe’s life will go on forever and her loss won’t be in vain. Cathy thank you for sharing
Thank you Ana!
Thank you Ana xo
Dear Robin,
My heart goes out to your family. I have three addicted children. Everyday is filled with anxiety.
My sister casually mentioned her daughter in her second year of college was experimenting with Adderal to study. My antenna went up because my niece had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I sent my sister some facts about how innocently addiction starts. Parents usually think it’s a phase. Well that is my sisters attitude. I can tell she wants me to drop the subject. Someone at school also in her school put some drug in her cocktail. I would never want my sister to go through my pain. I will just have to pray for them.
Thank you for your honesty and compassion Robin
Thanks Karen. I am so sorry you’re struggling with your children and your sister’s children. Too many of us think this happens to others. That it could never be our story. Until the day it happens to us. I hope you can reach her. xo