The truth is that almost two-thirds of Americans have friends or family members who have struggled with addiction. Millions of people are in recovery. We live in your town, on your block, and in your home, but still many people don’t know that treatment works and that long-term recovery are a common reality. ~ William Cope Moyers
While it is almost the end of the celebrated recovery month for this year, recovery for any family member is a 12-month commitment.
It is wonderful to know that each day someone new decides to live in long-term recovery.
It gives us all hope.
Many have recovered from the substance use that has derailed their lives. Many more will recover in the years to come.
The importance of sharing stories is that it reminds us that we are not alone.
It lessens the stigma and increases compassion. It encourages us to shine a light on a national health problem that affects us all. Let’s continue to share our stories and help one another.
Here is my daughter’s story of recovery.
Like all my children, my daughter has brought me much joy and happiness as I watched her grow and find her way. Substance use, however, almost destroyed her life.
She started as a typical little girl growing up in a suburban neighborhood thirty miles south of San Francisco. She excelled in elementary and middle school.
Her first two years of high school went smoothly. She joined the water polo and swim team, which kept her busy after school. My daughter was a strong math and language arts student. She had a quick wit, was social, and had lots of friends.
The last two years of high school were challenging. Her grades started to slip, and she just didn’t seem the same. Her father and I prodded her onward and encouraged her to do better, monitored her whereabouts, and tried to be on top of all that was going on. She struggled but graduated from high school in 2003.
Despite her challenges, she was accepted and excited to go to the University of Colorado. We thought this would be a positive turn in her life, but unfortunately, we were mistaken.
She struggled from day one at college, unable to keep up academically, isolating, and not adjusting in the way that we had hoped. After a series of probations and failed classes, she dropped out and took a part-time job. But soon, she could not even keep that going. We knew something was terribly wrong.
This is one of the most complicated diseases there is because this is a brain disease. So the nature of this disease — the thinking is impaired, the self-preservation mechanisms — everything is about getting drugs. ~ David Sheff
When she was at a point where she had nowhere else to turn, she finally admitted she had abused alcohol, marijuana, and was now abusing crystal meth. This was a habit she had started during high school. As parents, we were devastated. We were watching our daughter slowly destroy her life.
We sought help, and she agreed to go to a five-week wilderness program, attend three months at a women’s treatment center, and live in a sober living home for six months. You see, it takes a long time for people who have had a drug or alcohol issue to live a healthy lifestyle again.
She embraced her program, graduated from college in California, and is now has a job she loves in advertising. My daughter has wonderful friends and a family that loves her.
She has often said how sad it was that she had everything going for her and threw it away for drugs.
It wasn’t easy. She almost lost it all. We continue to be so grateful that she was willing to dig deep, overcome her fear, and take on the challenge to begin again.
When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they’ve had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. ~ by Russell Brand
If you suspect your child is using substances, here are some tips that can help:
1. Face the reality of the situation.
Parents can be in denial like I was. Don’t allow yourself to think this can’t happen to your child. It may seem easier to assume that your child’s substance use is a teen rite of passage. Yet, you may be left baffled as you watch the substance use continue and your child slowly self-destruct. Don’t let yourself turn a blind eye because you aren’t sure how to deal with it. There is help out there.
2. Remain calm.
Even though you may be feeling emotionally exhausted, know that when you approach your child in a kind, compassionate way, it can go a long way in encouraging them to seek recovery. The yelling, nagging, confrontation, emotional outbursts, and repeating the same information over and over doesn’t help. Keep your emotions as balanced as possible. Talk to your child when you feel you can remain calm.
3. Seek outside help.
It may be tempting to think you can handle your child’s drug or alcohol use yourself. Often many underlying family issues have contributed to the situation. Find the courage to reach out for support. Get an objective opinion about your child’s situation. There are counselors, doctors, support groups, clergy, and coaches who can be of help. Find a support system that works for you.
4. Take care of yourself.
Substance use is stressful. As they say in the airlines, put your oxygen mask on first. When you take care of yourself, it goes a long way toward helping your child’s long-term recovery. You can’t help yourself or your child if you feel depleted. When you take care of yourself, you will then have the resources to help your child.
5. Know there is hope and that recovery is available to anyone.
Addiction is a lifelong chronic disease that needs to be managed on a daily basis. While this may seem daunting, many are in recovery and are now living their best lives. They’ve turned a personal obstacle into an opportunity to grow and thrive. If you are a family member, your stress will lessen as your child continues to live a healthier life. Stay optimistic that your child can recover.
But when brokenness is all that you have, there’s little choice but to pick up the pieces and start again. ~ Carolyn Hughes
Get your Free Guide today.Is your child struggling with drugs or alcohol?
What difficult challenges everyone in your family faced Cathy. And I’m filled with admiration for everyone.
But more than that, this is a story of courage and hope and inspiration. The steps you share for those who face the stark reality of dealing with addiction are invaluable. Heck they’re invaluable for all of us dealing with any kind of problem.
You have such a calm, easy way of telling the story that I find myself breathing a sigh of relief for the help you shine on our world.
Hi Elle,
Every family does have their challenges and substance abuse was one of our big challenges. As I said I do remain grateful that my daughter made healthy choices at a critical time in her life. She has really gone on to live a life similar to any other healthy person her age. Although now you would never know that this was a part of her past, I believe she will never forget the experience, nor the lessons she learned during her treatment program. She is a testament that treatment can and does work!! Thanks for your kind words.
Dear Cathy –
The tips you offer parents when they find out that they have an addicted child plus sharing your daughter’s story of addiction and recovery is both meaningful and helpful.
I was shocked by the fact that over 2/3 of Americans have family members or friends that have struggled with addiction.
Thanks for continuing to educate and inspire. Fran
Hi Fran,
I feel that most people are not aware of that statistic. Addiction is much more prevalent than most people realize, and I never have to look far to hear how a family has been touched by addiction. Unfortunately our American culture promotes it in a subtle and not so subtle way. Kids are bombarded with messages to experiment and how an outside substance can make you feel better about your life and your problems. As we know experimentation may be fun for a short while, but when you have the addictive gene, and your life is dictated by drugs or alcohol, the fun is soon gone. Thanks for your support and wonderful comment!
Cathy,
Thank you once again for this site. My 25 year old daughter is is celebrating one year clean and sober on October 13. While I am so excited for her and proud of her, I keep watching for signs of relapse. I do sleep now at night. the sleepless nights are long gone. I realize that “calling” her regularly isn’t going to prevent anything so I am trying to be the Mom of a 25 year old and not smother her. I have no control over her actions, I just pray, pray, pray, pray and pray some more. This site really has helped me so much this past 18 months… Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you so much for your kind words. All of us in this situation are the reason that I have started this website. That is wonderful about your daughter – congrats to her! That is a big step for anyone to celebrate one year clean and sober. Please give her a hug from me. She is a symbol of hope for us all!!
I love your wise words that you are going to be the mom of a 25 year old and not smother her. I know it is a process and that for all of us, continual practice helps us to be the most positive support for our children. You sounds like you feel empowered and at peace with your situation. That is wonderful. Know that you are not alone and that there is hope. Your daughter sounds like she is making healthy choices and finding the life she was meant to live. With love and gratitude, Cathy
So heartbreaking to see a child who’s a consistent performer fall prey to addiction! So glad she got help. Points 1. and 2. are so critical. Most families, the moment they learn that their child has been indulging, immediately scream their heads off and make the child even more alone…creating a rift that becomes really difficult to overcome. I feel that communication, reassurance and love can wake the child up to the possibility of recovery.
You always write such wonderful posts, Cathy. Thank you.
Lovely words, Vidya – communication, reassurance and love can make all the difference. Parents with their positive encouragement can gently guide their child into seeking treatment. There are no guarantees, of course, but family member’s reactions do make a difference. Thank you for stopping by!
Hi Cathy,
I’m so full of admiration for you for having the courage and compassion to share your daughter’s and your family’s story. I don’t have children myself and can only imagine the pain and distress addiction must cause – drugs are so much more a part of life than they were when I was growing up, and it’s heartbreaking that they destroy so many young lives.
I’m sure the advice you’ve given here will be helpful to readers whose loved ones are going through similar troubles. It’s wonderful that your daughter has managed to pull through – that’s a real testament to her strength of character, and to the love and support she received from her family, because I know, from my own work in the field of mental health, that addiction is one of the most difficult things to overcome. I hope she continues to enjoy a happy and fulfilling life, and wish you and your family well.
Hi Susan,
Welcome and thank you so much for stopping by! I do feel gratitude everyday that my daughter is doing so well. She made a huge change in her life and has never looked back. Addiction has affected so many young people. My hope is that with more prevention and information, we can spread the word and save lives. I appreciate your lovely comment and for sharing your thoughts. Take care.
Wow, Cathy – what a powerful share – and what a wonderful, wonderful outcome for all of you!! Everything about it – from your daughter’s story, how you handled it, her recovery, the quotes you used and the tips you offer parents in a similar situation are sure to help so, so many others. Thank you for all the wonderful work you do!
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for your kind words. As you know, this is a journey for any parent or family member. The more we share, the more we shine the light on this disease, which helps people let go of the shame and stigma, and get the help we need. Take care!
Cathy, beautiful article as usual. I love that you have put ‘remain calm’ as the first step. It may seem obvious, but it really isnt’ and it is so much easier said than done. So often we rush into excelerated action to try to do anything and everything to ‘fix’ it NOW, which wind up to be pretty un-calm. So calm, as you say is a great place to start and stay…. Thanks again Cathy…
Hi Leslie,
I think I was anything but calm when I first realized our situation. We want so much to fix the problem that we sometimes spin our wheels, which doesn’t help. Our worrying as well ends up to be a waste of time. It doesn’t help the situation. The more that we can find ways to accept the situation and be at peace, the better. Thanks for your nice comment!
I think that it is hard when they are willing to get treatment but the parents including myself do not have the financial means for the programs that your daughter went to. Treatment is very expensive and many times insurance will not cover in-patient.
You really gave some wonderful tips in this post.
Hi Sidda,
Welcome! I so agree that treatment is expensive and it is not right that treatment isn’t available at a reasonable price for everyone. I do feel grateful that I was able to send my daughter to treatment, but know that there are other ways to find recovery. Outpatient treatment is much less expensive and/or living in a sober living home gives you a foundation with meetings to begin the road to recovery. There are also many low cost treatment programs. Here is a link to a list of programs – http://www.drug-addiction-help-now.org/blog/2013/05/low-cost-no-cost-alcohol-drug-treatment/. Best of luck to you and your family. Thank you for your wonderful comment.
Cathy,
As I read your words and empathize so deeply…so many similarities, the memories and affirmations flood my consciousness.
I remember creating a road race called, “Drugs Aren’t Fun Run” in an effort to heal myself and my family. I was driven to do something…anything to heighten awareness about this insidious, often fatal disease process.
In retrospect and thanks to your evocative post, I look back and wonder, did I do that? Did I create a very successful endeavor to get some of the solution to this pernicious disease out of the basement of churches and into the pool of common knowledge?
Well, “I” didn’t, but something…We did–and your post speaks to the creative, healing, life affirming other side of what can seem so daunting and so dark.
As the “I” in illness becomes the “We” in wellness, I love what the Buddhists say, “There’s nothing else to do.”
Thanks again and again, Cathy.
Hi Herby,
Thanks for your insightful words. So many of us have gone down this road with our spouses, siblings, children, parents, friends and ourselves. It is an insidious disease and the more we do to promote prevention, the better. Each voice makes a difference and you are doing such great work with your blog, recovery program/groups and your podcast. Bringing this discussion out of the basement of churches to the general population is what we need to make the kind of difference we are all looking for. Thank you for your comment and all that you do!
Cathy, you share so concisely with such precision the daunting years you spent in concern and care for your daughter. When in the throws of addiction and co-addiction we need simple steps. These 5 steps that were so painful for you to learn will be so helpful to others in similar whoes. Thank you so much.
Hi Kyczy,
We do need simple steps when we are trying to heal – baby steps. When we appreciate the little things, we can all slowly move forward one step at a time! Thank you so much for your insightful comment!
Hi Cathy, oh it’s so wonderful to know that your daughter is doing so well today. Thank you for sharing about her story that impacted you so much. It’s amazing to me how addiction has no limits in whom it traps. I know many addicts who were much like your daughter – excelling at school or work, being social, seemingly on track for very happy lives. Fortunately, people like you are breaking the silence so that more people are aware of the early signs of addiction. Bless you and your family, Cathy!
My daughter continues to do well today. As you we both know, addiction does not discriminate. Often teens experiment in the same way and yet there is the one or two who will become addicted and not be able to stop. It is so sad to watch lives ruined and young people going down this path. You are doing great work helping kids understand alcoholism and by being a role model. Thank YOU, Jody and take care.
This is a difficult and empowering story Cathy. Glad to hear that your daughter is doing well today and you were there for her during one of her lowest points. I think dealing with the situation calmly is one of the best pieces of advice you could give to other families. I have a feeling that most families and parents might look for blame and be burried in guilt.
The silver lining to your daughter’s experience and story is that you remain a strong advocate and light for parents who are experiencing something similar with their children today.
Hi Vishnu,
It has been a journey. I do feel that I am where I’m meant to be and she continues to live her best life. Thank you for your kind words!!
this is a world wide problem but I thank God very much because I have learned a lot in my addiction but now I,m clean and sober for 7month thanks for the program of NA and also I,m grateful for my higher power for showing me the way of getting out from this mental disorder.What I believe now is that when one door is closed another one is open
I am very happy that your daughter Is able to beat the addiction beast.
I don’t know what will happen you our beautiful, 18 year old daughter that recently has been dismissed from nursing school for substance abuse and has turned her life over to the drug demons. There isn’t an ocean wide enough or deep enough to hold all of our tears and grief.