Are you trying to get your life back in balance now that you’ve discovered your son or daughter’s drug use?
You may be concerned because your teen is either experimenting with smoking pot or drinking beer.
Or you may have a young adult who has continued using drugs and has become dependent. You feel like you are watching your child’s life fall apart.
Drug and alcohol use affects the entire family. Family dynamics are always a part of the picture. It is important to understand why your child’s life is taking this devastating turn.
If you are the parent of a child with a drug or alcohol issue, self-care will help you through your child’s struggle.
“Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable, and you are worth the effort.” ~ Deborah Day
Here are some tips that can help during this stressful time.
Understand drug use
I know when I first reached out for help when my child was having a problem with drug use, I wanted someone to fix my child. One area that is often missed is taking time to understand what motivates your child to use.
Some questions to consider are:
- Are they using alone or with others?
- What does your child think about or feel when they are using?
- What do you think your child likes about using?
It is important to look at the family dynamics, the genetic link, the child’s environment, earlier trauma, mental health issues, and issues surrounding early substance use. These all are factors that play into why your child started down this road. When you take a closer look at what your child is going through, it will be easier to feel empathy and compassion for their situation.
Having an understanding of why the problem started in the first place lays the foundation for healing.
Take care of your body
Get out and start exercising! You can use your body to help heal your mind. Practice recovery like you want your child to practice their recovery. Part of that is taking care of your body.
Go outside every day for at least 30 minutes, and allow yourself to breathe some fresh air. Walk at least 20 minutes every day. Other forms of exercise such as yoga, tennis, or running are good too.
Your mind will get a rest from the stress and worry and you may find that your best thinking comes with a brisk walk. If you want your child to be physically fit, which will help in their being able to maintain a healthy lifestyle, be physically fit yourself.
Take care of your brain
Consider taking some time to breathe quietly each day. Start small by sitting, walking, or lying down for 1 to 5 minutes a day and notice your breath. Everyone can sit quietly for one minute. Start there. If you want to know how meditation can benefit you, read 7 Compelling Reasons to Start a Meditation Practice or How Mindfulness Meditation Can Lead to a Happier Life: Meet Sandra Pawula
Meditation can heal your mind. It can help you feel more relaxed. All that mind chatter that keeps you stressed about your child’s future will ease. You want your child to give their mind a needed break, give your mind a break as well.
Embrace a new dream for your child other than drug use
Know that the dreams that you once had for your child are going to be different going forward. Your child will never be the same and neither will you.
From my experience, you can start with a different dream for your child. This dream can be a bigger and better dream than you ever expected. Your child may grow and change in ways that you never knew was possible.
So many young people in recovery have evolved into new, confident amazing people. They have risen from the ashes to live their life with meaning and purpose. For that to happen, they need a parent who has risen from their own ashes and changed their life too!
Write about your feelings
Writing in a journal has helped me in immeasurable ways. Watch out or it may turn into a blog. Take a few moments each day to journal about how you are feeling.
A journal is a great place to get out all the anger, frustration, and fear. It can be a source of new ideas, a place to write quotes or other things that you want to remember. It is one of the keys to your inner being, a doorway to your innermost thoughts.
If your child is at a treatment center, most likely they will be writing about their experiences and feelings. Give it a try, you may find writing helps you as well.
Give your other children the attention they deserve
Your child with drug or alcohol issues receives most of the attention when they are in the midst of their destructive behavior. That can be center stage with the rest of the family-focused on their problems.
I spoke to a mom recently whose other children are resentful of her child with substance use issues. This is not uncommon.
If you have other family members, especially other children, give them the attention they deserve.
Carve out some time each day to help keep their life as stable as possible. Your understanding of why your child has drug or alcohol issues will help your other children miss this detour in their life.
Work on yourself first and then you will be in a better place to help your family.
What do you think a parent’s role is in their child’s drug or alcohol dependence? What can you do to support our children’s recovery? Share your thoughts in comments.
If you liked this post, please share it!
I have no idea how my parents coped with me and my using for 16 years. God bless them for their perseverance because yesterday I celebrated 18 months clean and sober. Really good article, sent my mother the link to have a read. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for stopping by Ira. Congratulations on your recovery! That is awesome news. Wonderful as well that your parents were supportive. All the best to you going forward. XO
Cathy, for the immense value, I share almost every one of your entries on my SMART Recovery for Family; Friends NYC Facebook page. For me, this entry is your best ever. It is so soulful; so down to earth. How important it is to think about why our child used in the first place, writing thoughts down to process our feelings and what struck me most was, “. . . they need a parent who has risen above their own ashes and changed their life too!” It has been so gratifying to know my son was watching all along. Early on in his recovery, he wouldn’t admit it, but I see the pride in him now when he is clearly following my lead. It has turned into a privilege to do the hard work and see him succeed. Thank you for your excellent thoughts and guidance.
Thank you Anne. I do appreciate you sharing the articles. I’m so glad to hear that your son is following your lead and that you are making your self care a priority. Hugs!
This is excellent, Cathy. Parents are so scared and in such need of a calm voice – especially that of a person who’s had this experience and who’s been researching and writing about all things addiction for many years, with a great deal of experience helping parents. I especially appreciated your last tip, “Give Your Other Children the Attention They Deserve.” This is so important. thanks for another great post!
Thanks Lisa! As you know, the siblings can get ignored when parents are consumed with their child’s substance use. Gentle reminders to focus on all the kids helps to create less resentment.
Excellent. So many of of us think it’s all about our children, when, really the best thing we can possibly do for our children is to heal ourselves. I say it like a broken record, “Don’t expect your child to change if you don’t have the willingness or the courage to do the same.”
Great point, Gaynelle. We do need to be the role models for our struggling children. Thanks for stopping by.
Great reminder Cathy for people to take care of themselves – self-care is critical when we’re trying to give any of ourselves to others, from lovers, to friends to children.
So true, Ellen. It really can make the difference on how well we do, when we focus on ourselves. I appreciate your support.
I love how you write about taking care of oneself in challenging times like a child’s drug use, Cathy. This is so key and can help change the dynamic in the parent-child relationship, but so many people miss this critical piece.
You are so right, Sandra. Too often people jump to solve the problem and then become exhausted and stressed. If we take it a bit slower and work on ourselves first, it can really make a difference in so many situations. Thanks for stopping by!
Great article, Cathy. I ditto everything Lisa said. And I especially like what you said about embracing a new dream for your child. It’s true that nothing will ever be the same again and in my own family’s situation, the reality of the new dream proved better than I ever thought possible.
I’m with you on that one, Barbara. We can all feel so helpless when we are dealing with substance use, but it helps to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I appreciate you stopping by!
Great point Cathy on nourishing you first then it is easier to help and empower your children
Thanks Suzie. Self care if vital to empowering our kids. I appreciate you stopping by.
Great encouragement! Wondering if I’m one of THOSE mom’s you spoke to this week (via me bombarding you with emails about our family and situation!)
I’ve been gleaning little helpful gems from your words of experience all week. Thank you for being available and optimistic about positive change! I also took to heart your advice to give my other child the time and attention she so much deserves!
Hey Kimberly, Rest assured that I love working with parents. It has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I’m honored that moms reach out to me for support. Wonderful that you are giving your other child the time and attention she deserves. Thanks for stopping by!
You know I like the “take care of your brain” part! 🙂 I also like the advice to embrace a new dream for your child. Whether you are dealing with addiction or whatever the issue is, that’s a great approach.
So true, Debbie, that embracing a new dream for our child can open up so many new possibilities. The brain certainly plays a part when it comes to addiction, and I’ve learned so much from your informative posts around the brain.
Take care!
It’s so good to see the advice about taking care of your other children. It seems that many of them get lost in the cause of the attention their siblings need.
And as for taking care of yourself. It’s a must. We none of us can give what we don’t have within.
Another inspiring article Cathy.
Self care is a must, Elle, when we are dealing with a number of issues. When one child is suffering, no matter what the reason, the other siblings can get lost. Self care does allow parents to have the strength to address the needs of their other children as well. Thanks for stopping by!