Have you ever felt shame?
How has it affected your life?
Unfortunately, shame is a part of drug or alcohol abuse. You realize quickly that even though you may have support, you are up against the stigma of a disease that is often not talked about.
The user feels shame about his dependence on drugs or alcohol. The family feels shame about a problem that is now out of their control.
When my life was going into a downward cycle, I felt the sting of shame and I’m sure most other parents in similar situations feel the same. way. I questioned my skills as a parent.
Many feel anxious and stressed because they sense that they have failed as a parent, the most important job a person could ever have.
Facing and accepting feelings of guilt and shame allow you to move on. Guilt is a little easier, while shame may have deeper roots and need more work. Recognizing our feeling of shame are the first steps towards healing.
Shame is different from guilt. It is not rooted in action. According to Psychology Today, when a person feels shame they feel they are somehow wrong, defective, inadequate, not good enough, or not strong enough.
Guilt is the belief that one has done something wrong or bad. Shame is the belief that one is wrong or bad.
Using drugs or alcohol is a way to numb yourself from feelings that you don’t want to face. It’s a short-term quick fix which misleads a person into feeling more comfortable.
Guilt involves a violation of an external rule or standard that can be redressed by restitution or an apology. Shame, however, slices uninvited through the ego boundary to inflict a deep wound on the self that is experienced as an “inner torment” or a sickness of the soul. Shame patrols the boundary between our public and private lives.” ~ Garrett O’Connor, M.D.- Betty Ford Institute
Many families cover up the substance use that they don’t want family and friends to know about. Enabling can come into play in the hopes that the problem will quickly go away. Parents and family members hide the addiction from the outside world to protect themselves from feeling shame.
Children of parents with alcohol issues may grow up feeling less than or flawed. They often struggle with negative feelings about themselves for years. When our child is the one struggling, we may question our total worth as a parent, thus we are flawed.
“When most people use the word shame, they usually mean to describe an experience that comes up because of outside influences — our parents’ disapproval or the opinion of society-at-large, for example. If I do poorly on a test or my business fails, I might not want anyone else to know because I’m afraid they’ll think less of me. Shame also arises when we violate our own internal values, but we’ve usually absorbed them from our families and the world around us.” ~ Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.
When I did finally reach out to family and friends about our family substance use problem, the reactions were interesting. Offers to help, some advice, but mainly support and concern came my way.
The support and concern were appreciated. I have also felt the underlying message of, “Watch who you tell this to.” I rarely share my family’s situation with a casual acquaintance. My hope is that the stigma of addiction will lessen as time goes on.
Substance use can affect a diverse range of families. It does not discriminate. Happily married parents, as well as divorced parents, can have a child with an addiction issue. Some children with parents struggling with alcohol are never affected by the disease. They don’t follow in their parents’ footsteps.
Great parents can raise kids that struggle and troubled parents can turn out well-adjusted kids.
We often regret decisions we made in the past, believing that if we had made a different choice, our loved one would not have their struggles.
You can breathe a little easier when you learn as much as you can about addiction. You make better decisions when you educate yourself and realize that one size does not fit all and that you are not to blame.
As a parent, you have an opportunity to be supportive and gently guide your child toward recovery. You can be a source of strength during this stressful time.
Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within. ~ Gershen KaufmanHere are seven ways to release the shame that is holding you back.
1. Focus on the Present. Start by accepting where you are now in life. Take a look at the areas of your life that are not working. Rather than avoid your feelings of pain, focus your thoughts and notice what you are feeling.
It’s easier to move forward and become “unstuck” when you are ready to face what has been holding you back. Shame dissolves when it is brought out into the light. Do not allow the negative cycle to continue in secrecy.
Release your shame in a way that feels safe, so that you can move forward.
2. Forgive yourself, as everyone makes mistakes. You may feel like you have made mistakes that have harmed yourself or others. Forgive yourself. You can make amends for any harm you have done and you can make changes for the future.
Remind yourself that your mistakes do not make you a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes. It is an opportunity for learning and growth.[/li]
3. Open Up and Trust. Sharing your secrets of addiction may be a short-term solution, but you make progress toward healing when you break out of your isolation. Taking a risk and trusting others will bring you closer to finding the peace and serenity that you want.
Surround yourself with people who are supportive and don’t take it personally if someone’s reaction is not what you had hoped for. Realize that you are not alone and that sharing is the key to healing shame.
4. Think of Your Mistakes as a Lesson Learned. As I look back on when I felt shame, I can realize that even my most embarrassing moments have taught me a lesson in life and led me in a more positive direction.
Learn from each past mistake and let it guide you in the future. Remember that those who made many mistakes were those that learned the most.[/li]
5. Love yourself. Be bold and let go of being uncomfortable with yourself. Allow yourself to open up to all the possibilities in life. Allow the love of yourself and love of others to enter your being.
Trust that your inner wisdom will guide you as you move forward in life. You will go to a better place when you love yourself. [/li]
6. Get an Objective Opinion. Take steps to get over your feelings of shame. If you feel that getting the support of someone who can help you get unstuck and move forward is what you need, reach out to a professional.
If you feel that you have deep-seated emotional issues around shame, hire a therapist. Either way, take the time to let go of your feelings of shame so that you can enjoy your life in a better way.
7. Replace feelings of shame with compassion. When your feelings of shame surface, replace them with compassion, empathy, and acceptance for yourself. Acknowledge the negative feelings, but remind yourself that you can get through this.
This new perspective will help you to heal. The positive shift in your thinking will move you forward so that you feel better as a person and as a parent.
The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. ~ Elisabeth Kubler-RossWhat are your thoughts about shame? Let us know in comments.
Thank you for all you are doing to help your child live a healthy life.
If you liked this article and want to learn more, join the email list. You will receive free tips on how to help your child overcome substance use.
Cathy,
You have such a gift for getting to the heart of what really matters. As uncomfortable as shame is to talk about, it’s such a necessary part of any conversation about addiction and recovery.
I understand your description of telling others about addiction in your family and the interesting responses. I experienced it too, within my immediate family who were terrified, I think, of what their friends would think of them–their ability to parent–when word got out.
But oh, the freedom of living a life of honesty and transparency today. No secrets, no guilt. You’ve written another terrific post! Thank you!
Hey Beth, I so agree that living a life of honesty and transparency lifts such a burden from our shoulders. Parents and other family members are terrified. They rarely know what to do and realize quickly that they are dealing with something that is out of their knowledge base and comfort zone. I’m glad that you had the courage to share your challenges with your family. So often we underestimate how supportive others can truly be. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
“Guilt is the belief that one has done something wrong or bad. Shame is the belief that one is wrong or bad.”
That hits the nail on the head. Shame is usually not justified. It is also a terrible burden to live with. I use to feel so much shame about myself and my past. It is a tough way to live.
I agree that focusing on the present is helpful and that learning to forgive yourself is so important. It is also important to reframe your thoughts around the past and turn those into the positives.
I would add to the list of listening or reading other peoples’ stories about similar issues. You often feel alone when you are ashamed and I think it helps to realize you aren’t alone. It also helps if those stories are about how people got through it to.
Great addition to the list, Sebastian. Reading and hearing other people’s stories can make a huge difference. It does help with those feelings of isolation. Reframing those thoughts about the past is helpful as well. Looking at them as a learning experience can make a huge difference. Finding the silver lining always shifts your outlook on past experiences as well. Thanks!
It is true that finding the silver lining is so important to changing your perception of an event. Have you seen the movie Silver Linings Playbook? Do you have a post about a list of your favorite movies that deal with overcoming addiction, or addiction, etc..??
“I have also felt the underlying message of, “Watch who you tell this to.” I rarely share my family’s situation with a casual acquaintance. My hope is that the stigma of addiction will lessen as time goes on.”
I feel like I’ve been waiting on this to happen for such a long time. I spent years in silent agony, wishing one of two things would happen – 1) she’d finally stop using, or 2) someone else would open the “can of worms” and start talking about addiction. I wasn’t willing to be the first. It colored everything in my world a dark shade of gray.
Thank you so much for writing about this, if for no other reason than to make me feel more “normal”. My daughter did eventually stop using, but we are far from out of the woods.
Hi Shelley,
Welcome! I agree with your hesitation to share your experience with addiction. I too was anxious about those first few conversations. As time went on, it was easier, but I know I’m the type of person who does not hide my feelings well. I guess I’m not a good actress,so felt that they only way for me to move forward was to get it out there in the conversation when appropriate. What I did find, was that while others may not be struggling with addiction, there were other issues with their kids that they were concerned about. I realized we all have our struggles in one form or another. I needed support and reaching out helped me.
I’m glad to hear that your daughter stopped using. I know that addiction is a journey for every family member. It affects everyone in different ways. It is something that needs to be managed, and certainly there are many inspiring examples of people who have gone on to live meaningful lives. I wish you and your daughter the best going forward!
Thank you, Cathy – it’s such an important issue and you are shining a wonderful light on it!
And I love the title “Every Silver Lining Has a Cloud” -both that and it’s opposite are true — it’s all purposeful, if we choose to see life that way.
Thank you Candace. Shame can get in the way of creating the life that we want. I like that title as well. Thanks for stopping by.
This is such an important distinction, Cathy, “Guilt is the belief that one has done something wrong or bad. Shame is the belief that one is wrong or bad.” Thank you for making your post about shame, for as you so beautifully write, it is that which keeps everyone in the system mired in “stuckness.” I love your 7 suggestions – especially the one about getting an impartial opinion, e.g., recovery coach. Readers – if you haven’t already, be sure to check out Cathy’s recovery coaching services – she’s excellent 🙂 !
Thanks Lisa for your continued support! I appreciate it. Shame can be a problem if you let it be. I agree that having someone by your side can make the difference when you are feeling the stress of substance use in your family. Take care my friend.
Coming from an alcoholic environment as a child, I experienced all of this. My daughter is almost 3 years sober and by gosh I raised her to not be an alcoholic 🙂 …. all the things you mentioned in your article hit home. With thanks to a few 12 step programs I’ve come a very long way to the point that I actually brag about my daughter being a recovering alcoholic. Thanks so much for your article
Hi Linda,
I’m so glad to hear that your daughter has 3 years sober. I’m sure you didn’t raise her to be an alcoholic. There are so many factors that go into why a person goes down that path, so do not blame yourself. Being is recovery takes courage and is something to be proud of! Thanks for stopping by!
I think you poured out everything in this article. The way you wrote this article is so expressive that one can feel every point as he reads by.
Thanks for sharing Cathy.
Thanks so much, Todd!
Wonderful article, Cathy. Thank you! I think in our family, I felt guilt and my daughter felt shame. She told me later that shame helped keep her in active addiction. The surest cure for shame was simply more drugs.
So true, Barbara that when we feel shame, we look for ways to numb out our feelings. I certainly felt the guilt myself when my daughter was going through it. Take care and thanks for stopping by.
This was so helpful. I am feeling so crippled by the shame of many mistakes that have not only hurt others, but have continued to keep me in denial about many of my own personal issues. I’ve been trapped in a shame cycle for years, and it has manifested in such toxic ways. I am so grateful to have read this today. Thank you!!
No one knows how to free oneself from toxic shame.
It is insidious.
It keeps coming back no matter what you do or how much work you have done toward healing.
It is a lifelong burden that someone else saddled you with.
It surfaces when Others treat you badly or betray your trust.
You didn’t cause it and you can’t get rid of it, so you have to find a way to live with it.
After 40+ years of seeking a solution to this terrible problem, it still keeps cropping up and making my life a living hell from time to time.
It is the curse bestowed by a narcissistic, jealous mother.
Every time someone — even a passing stranger or a multi-national corporation — lies to me or otherwise hurts me, I feel ashamed that I felt angry or spoke up for myself against it.
I took care of myself, but I couldn’t escape the shame.
I can’t protect myself from the demon that lives inside me, tormenting me, even though my mother is no longer around to do it herself.
If anyone EVER finds a way to heal this, it will be the greatest possible miracle.
I’m so sorry to read that you are dealing with so much shame. That sounds like a tough situation. It is a wonderful first step to recognize the shame that you are feeling. The more you can help yourself through resources such as books, web articles, or by seeing a counselor, the better. Sometimes the damage from our childhood can last for years and takes an outside person to help us come to terms with the issues. I hope you can find a way to work through your shame. Thank you for stopping by, and I wish you all the best.
You do all that, faithfully, until you get old, and then you realize that it is just what you have to live with. Nothing is going to make it all better. Nothing is going to make it go away. Nothing will erase your memory except dementia, and you don’t want that. Thanks for the well wishes. I hope that maybe this will open someone’s eyes to this terrible, intractable problem, wrought by life in families, The thing that sets up the conflicts we will deal with in our lives, and from which we will learn our life lessons. A lot of lip service is paid to solving it, but it is the very stuff of life.