Is Your Child a Chameleon?

The recent passing of another famous actor is so sad. It reminds us once again that addiction is a deadly disease that can take a person in the prime of their life.

Philip Seymour Hoffman was known for his uncanny ability to morph like a chameleon into almost any role he took on, so much so that his incomparable prowess often overshadowed the movie he was starring in. ~  ABC News

An ability to morph into a chameleon is the gift that an actor needs to be brilliant in their various roles. Yet for some of our kids, this is the character quality that can suck them right into substance use.

I’ve heard a number of moms who have children with substance abuse issues say that their child was a chameleon. They “changed colors” when necessary in high school to fit in. They had the “Monkey See, Monkey Do” syndrome.

The Urban Dictionary defines a social chameleon as:

• Someone who changes the way they interact with people depending on who they’re with.
• A person that has the ability to be social with anyone and any setting and still fit in.
• One who has such wide interests can relate to anyone.
• Somebody who fibs to try and fit into whatever crowd they are in.
• A social behavior exhibited by those who were or are shy. This usually stems from a sheltered upbringing or inferiority complex.
• One who pretends to be your friend until the more popular people show up and then act differently.

Sometimes parents who are divorced have an issue with their children becoming “chameleon kids”. Their children change their clothing, interests, and even their personality to please whichever parent they happen to be with at the time.

These children act and dress one way at mom’s house. Then, the kids completely change many aspects of their life when they go over to dads’. They can even be loud and boisterous at one home and quiet at the other. They do this to fit in and make their parents happy.

I was a single mom at one point. We had joint custody of the children. My kids experienced the typical schedule of every other weekend and Wednesday night dinner. We then went to the schedule of spending two weeks with me and then two weeks with their dad. We both were as positive about the situation as possible.

I had no evidence that we had a chameleon effect with our family. Yet, we experienced problems later on. Clearly there was a need to fit in and be accepted. The ability to say no to substance use was not so present.

Looking back, it makes me wonder.

Did I raise a “chameleon kid”?

A child who has the “chameleon” tendencies, doesn’t necessarily have to come from a divorced family. They are more vulnerable to peer pressure because they are concerned about being abandoned or rejected by their parents as well as their peers.

Being over-adaptive to the wants of others, these kids can “change colors”, to cope with their living situation. This strategy can also be used to cope during their teen years.

These kids do not have a strong set of values. They have not developed a strong sense of self. One problem is that they do not necessarily discriminate when looking for friends who will accept them. They want to make others happy. They want to fit in.

Fitting in and finding out who you are, are the issues that our kids struggle with who have been railroaded by substance use. They often don’t know how to fit in. They don’t know who they are as a person. Drugs and alcohol seem to be the answer. It solves a problem and can numb their pain.

Here are three tips for parents to protect their children from becoming a chameleon and possibly going down the road to substance use.

Encourage Your Child’s Interests

As a parent, you are still the most important influence on your child. Learn about what their passion is and how you can support them. Participate and be your child’s cheerleader. Provide opportunities for your child to explore their interests. Even if their interest isn’t something you are passionate about, become interested in what your child loves. It will help them know their interests are important to you and that you are willing to adapt to them on occasion.

Love your Children First

If you are divorced, it is important for your child’s well being that you work to resolve your differences. You can agree to disagree. Even though you are no longer married, you can still send the message to your children that you are a united front when it comes to parenting.

Those three words, “I love you” can be a powerful message. It can give your child the needed reminder that they are important to you and worthy of your love.

Let Go of Your Expectations About the Future

Often a child’s personality and goals are very different from their parents. They have different interests in life. It can often be hard to find a connection and a way to communicate in a positive way. Your child’s dream may not fit your expectations. Yet this is the time to let them find out who they are and what they are good at. Keep an open mind. Support your child as they discover who they are meant to be.

There is an amazing Kickstarter project for younger children. “Am I a Chameleon?” is the first in a series of six picture books that have been created to encourage children to believe in themselves. The author is hoping her books will help children at that early impressionable age believe in themselves. I hope they do!

I may or may not have raised a “chameleon kid”, but either way, having a strong sense of self, helps to prevent substance use.

Do think your child has struggled with being a chameleon? What are your suggestions on how we can help our kids feels more self-assured? Let us know in the comments.