We also talk a lot about enabling behaviors, where they come from, and why it’s not such a bad thing to use them right now because they are trying to kind of keep an equilibrium in the house. Eventually, we have to get them to drop those enabling behaviors and let the drinker or the drug user suffer what I call natural consequences for his or her behavior, so they need to stop the enabling. ~ Dr. Robert Meyers
Are you concerned about enabling behaviors?
Do you worry that you are doing too much in your efforts to fix your child’s problem?
I’ve spoken to many parents in the last few years. One of the biggest challenges parents face is how to help their children without doing too much.
We’ve all felt fear for our child’s safety. No one wants the dreaded call. Yet, helping your child without engaging in enabling behaviors is a constant challenge for any parent dealing with their child’s substance use.
The bottom line is to support your child’s recovery and change rather than their continued substance use. That sounds easy enough, but it can get complicated and confusing in real life.
I know the feeling when you are so worried that you’ll do anything to try and keep your child safe. One of my children was about to be homeless. I remember the sick and desperate feeling that overcame me.
Dealing with a child’s substance use is never easy.
You may find other family members labeling you as an enabler. That never feels good. It’s another negative term that doesn’t help. You may also feel frustrated if you feel you are being undermined. Collaboration between parents is essential but not always easy when your child is struggling with drugs.
Being called an enabler is a negative label.
According to Kathy Ketcham in her article, I Hate the Word ‘Enable’: Getting Blamed & Shamed When You Have a Child with an Addiction, “The word “enable” only adds to our guilt and shame, and it makes us hide in fear and self-loathing from the very people who might be able to help us.
We see the people we love in trouble. At home. At school. In the office. With the law.
Because we love them, because it is our job to protect the people we love, we try to help them. We don’t know, not at first, that they are suffering from a chronic, progressive, deadly disease, and once we suspect it, we cringe from the very thought.”
Terms such as “codependency,” “tough love,” “detach with love,” and “enabling” are commonly used when talking about the disease of addiction. They often have mixed meanings.
Enabling is “anything you do that reinforces or increases the likelihood of your loved one’s substance-using behavior or any other behavior you don’t want to support.”
Enabling is usually born out of parental love and concern. As a parent, you do not want to see your teen or young adult suffering. Yet, there is that fine line between helping and doing too much. For each situation, that line might look a bit different.
You may be concerned that you are enabling if you do anything nice for your child.
Sincere efforts to be helpful and kind may further support substance use. Other parents feel that the only way to interact with their kids is in an angry, aggressive, or “tough love” manner.
Discipline doesn’t always work.
I’ve learned that disciplining your way out of substance use rarely works.
It is not surprising that we can all be confused about helping our child in the best way possible. Yet, there can be a middle ground between the tough love approach and enabling behaviors.
With the dependence on drugs or alcohol, no one size fits all. Your situation is unique. It is essential to do what you think is best for your child. It is also important to consider your stress level throughout the process.
When parents rescue their children, they often don’t know how to take responsibility for their actions. Now that your child has substance use issues rescuing them from the negative consequences of their behavior is not helpful.
Children who clearly understand the consequences of their behavior are often more willing to change.
Helping our kids stop using drugs or abusing alcohol is never a clear-cut path. There are often starts and stops before your child decides to change. One of the most important things you can do is to decide what you will support. Stand by your word. You lose power and credibility when you give in or go back on your boundaries.
A parent who continuously rescues his child when he acts out is trying to be a loving parent but on a deeper level, is trying to rescue himself from the pain of seeing his child self-destruct. ~ Naomi Sternberg
Our kids learn values, confidence, strength, and discipline from their parents. As time goes on, your child will hopefully internalize those skills.
Here are eight questions to consider when concerned about enabling behaviors:
1. Do you ever make excuses for your child’s behavior?
2. Have you ever lied or encouraged your child to lie to cover up for their behavior?
3. Do you avoid discussing drug or alcohol use with your child because you’re worried about their reaction?
4. Have you paid your adult child’s bills because they were out of money?
5. Have your loaned your teen or adult child money that they could use for drugs or alcohol?
6. Have you set boundaries and then backed down?
7. Have you finished something for your child because they did not finish it?
8. Have you stepped in to take responsibility for things your child should be handling?
Here’s a video explaining the difference between enabling and positive reinforcement if you are unsure about the difference.
Three ways you can support your child are:
1. Notice when your child is doing something well.
You are in a tremendous position of influence regarding reinforcing healthy habits. Reinforce your child’s positive behaviors. You are encouraging them to repeat what they do well. Start a list and notice what your child does right. Don’t give as much attention to the behavior that you don’t want.
It is more difficult when your adult child doesn’t live with you. You can put positive reinforcement into place. Look for opportunities during phone calls and visits to acknowledge what your child is doing well.
Some tips on positive reinforcement are to give timely rewards. Give rewards as soon as you notice or hear about positive behavior. Make it a point to look for something positive each day. It helps the whole family change a negative situation to one that is more positive.
2. Step Out of the Way
Allow your child to experience the consequences of his actions. While no one wants to see their child suffer, stepping out of the way creates an opportunity for the world to be your child’s teacher. They will feel the natural consequences of their use.
The drug or alcohol problem becomes front and center for your child. They will be less likely to blame you for their problems. They will be more likely to accept responsibility for their behavior. When your child begins to feel the consequences of their use, they will be more motivated to find new healthy ways to live. Step aside and let the outcomes become apparent.
It is a difficult task, which is understandable. It helps to be clear about what you will and will not support.
Related Content: What’s the Difference Between Enabling and Positive Reinforcement
3. Define Clear Boundaries
Define your boundaries with your teen or young adult child and stick to them. Follow through on appropriate consequences. It will create an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Think through any boundaries that you have in mind beforehand. Furthermore, be sure the consequence seems appropriate. Don’t set a limit and then back down. It is better not to have set one at all.
Let your child know if you decide to change your boundaries and the consequences. That way, you will both be clear about expectations in the future.
Trying to get your child back on track is something I understand. I did many things right when I raised my kids, and I have also engaged in my share of enabling behaviors. There are better options.
Strive to understand the difference between helping and enabling behaviors. You will have better relationships with your children and your spouse.
It is difficult to watch when we allow our children to learn the consequences of their actions.
Yet, it will help to ensure that they will have a better chance of becoming healthy adults.
Learn research-based tools that can help you motivate your child to change. Add the Sunday newsletter to your weekly routine. Sign up now.
And consider getting access to my online course, Regain Your Hope, which gives you an action plan to help your child. Know that your child can change. Love, Cathy
