Love as much as you can from wherever you are. ~ Thaddeus Golas
Are you feeling stressed because you’ve been told to let go?
Do you find it hard to believe that there is nothing you can do as a parent to help your teen or young adult that is struggling?
I’ve been thinking about all of you who love your kids and who are stressed because of their drug or alcohol abuse issues.
You are living a life that you never expected, nor one that you planned for. The pain and emotional exhaustion are not what you thought parenthood would bring.
The truth is that when your kids are causing you continual pain it can be emotionally stressful and an unhealthy situation all around.
The daily challenge is to remind yourself about the love you have for your child when they have turned your world into chaos and confusion because of their substance use.
Parental anxiety
Here are some of the emails I have received from parents. You can see how much anxiety they are feeling:
“I do not rest well and self-care goes out the window when I am worrying.”
“We’ve sold everything to get help for her, expenses with jail, cars, everything.”
“My hope is that he can get through these next two years of high school without addiction or being injured in a car accident.”
“I still fear that although things are really good for my family right now I fear it could all come tumbling down again.”
“I struggle with the disconnect between my son and me when he swings from feeling love to disdain for me.”
“My son went from being an army vet to a heroin addict in prison.”
Love is still there with these families. It is just buried under all the heartache.
Above all, remember you are not alone and always let your child know that while you may hate the drugs and/or addiction, you love them! ~ Sheryl McGinnisSo often you are told by caring professionals and other parents to let go when your child is having substance abuse issues. Let go of your child. Let go of their problems. Let go of what is causing you pain.
Yet, you are the one who brought this child into this world. They once were soft and cuddly with all the sweet smells of a new life. You saw your children through each stage of their development. You’ve watched them grown and bloom.
You love your child, yet your heart is breaking
No wonder it is now hard to let go. Your heart breaks no matter which way you turn.
There is no easy, nor one right answer.
However, too often parents decide to let go before really exploring all of their options.
Hang on with love
What would happen if…
- You learned all you could about substance abuse and addiction before you let go?
- You spent time thinking about ways that you can talk to your child in a more positive way?
- You put “sanity” back into your own life, regardless of whether your child seeks recovery?
- You noticed what your child was doing right?
- You could brainstorm ways to make being sober more attractive to your child?
- You could improve your own life by taking care of yourself?
- You encouraged your child to seek treatment by meeting them where they are?
- You noticed your child’s positive qualities and said something nice to them on a regular basis?
- You “rewarded” your child for not being high in small ways(ex. a hug, a smile, a verbal acknowledgment, a gift card)?
- You enjoyed your own life and felt good about yourself?
- You told your child you loved them every day, despite the challenges you are facing?
- You were clear that there was not just one path to recovery?
- You understood what your child gets from his drug or alcohol use?
- You allowed the natural consequences of your child’s behavior to occur because that is the most powerful lesson?
- You were able to stay calm during your conversations with your child so that there was a better chance that they would listen to what you have to say before you let go?
None of this work is easy. It’s complicated, messy stuff. Wouldn’t it be worth it, though, to try another way to help move your child toward recovery before you let go?
Resources that promote love and compassion
For some evidence-based strategies and tools, check out these three resources:
Remember family members, especially parents are the most influential people in your child’s life.
No matter what, there is always hope. Hope that your child will recover. Hope that they will reach their potential. Hope that your child will live their best life. Hope that your life can be all that you imagined as well.
Our hearts may be broken for the moment, but our love and hope can still be alive.
My wish for all of you is that your journey brings your family inner peace, joy, and happiness. Because after all, isn’t that what life is all about?
Life will change. Our hearts can mend. The sun will rise once again. This too shall pass.
Know that there is hope for your child and that you are not alone!
My love to all of you this Valentine’s Day!
Love recognizes no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.~ Maya Angelou
How do you feel about this article? Share your thoughts in comments.
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I found this post to be so uplifting and encouraging Cathy. I love how you shine a light on what is possible with useful and practical thoughts and a new perspective.
Hi Elle,
Thanks so much! I appreciate your kinds words.
Cathy,
Your written words are invoking memory of a pivotal vignette of a deep, visceral cry for help when I entered treatment. I remember thinking/feeling and then belting out, “I just want to love and be loved.” It emerged from the non verbal to the wounded places to the most honest places in my being, and nothing more true and consistent in my recovery.
Apart from all of the intellectual and heady approaches to our work, your suggestions are the inextricable foundations of how and why any approach WORKS.
You and so many dedicated others will truly help us move beyond addiction. A lovely and timely post, Cathy. Happy Valentines Day to you and yours.
Thanks Herby! I agree that everyone is unique and their situation is like no other. As you well know, finding the approach that resonates with someone the most is the one that has the best chance of leading them to recovery. It just continues to be frustrating that so many are only given one option and if they do not succeed, then they are the failure, not the treatment program. I hope that this is something that changes in the future and that those seeking recovery, have all the options explained to them, so that they can make an informed choice. Happy Valentines Day to you as well!
Amazingly beautiful…and speaks right to the broken hearted parent!
Hi Sheila,
Welcome! Thank you for your kind words. As parents our hearts are broken when our children head down the road to substance abuse. To let go feels unnatural and it didn’t feel right to me at all. I do like in Al-Anon where they suggest you take what you like from a meeting, and leave the rest behind. So keeping that in mind, letting go could be one area that you leave behind and try something different that works better for you. Take care and thanks so much for stopping by!
I wanted to share with you that this post is possibly one of the best I have ever related to. It is nearly tortuous going through addiction with a loved one, yet it is equally as torturous to do what so many recommend, just cut them out of your life. Cut your child out of your life? Whether 15 or 30 (as my son is), it is unnatural to give up on a loved one, particularly as a parent. Rather than give up, I will continue to educate myself on the disease of addiction and hang on to HOPE.
Hi Diane,
Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I’m glad that the post resonated with you. Absolutely letting go is difficult, if not impossible for many parents and often just causes more stress as parents feel like failures because they can’t let go of their kids, and honestly why should they? I like Libby Cataldi’s words to “Stay Close.” There are ways to take care of yourself as you work with your child to solve this big problem in their life. Reaching out to your child allows you to be in a position to communicate effectively with them. When you keep that positive connection going, you have a better chance that they will listen to you and enter treatment. I love the idea that you will continue to educate yourself on the disease and hang on to HOPE. That is powerful and can definitely make a difference. All the best!!
This is beautiful. Parents need to read this because letting go is so difficult to do. It does feel unnatural and counterintuitive to what one has done as a parent. What I have taken away from Al Anon is a letting go of the outcome. Love the child, hate the disease, detach from the disease.
As Herby mentioned there are so many approaches.
Many of the suggestions in your billeted list can be done even when you let go. I remember deciding it was time to let go, but for me that meant releasing the overwhelming attempt to control so that I might still get the outcome I wanted for him. Letting go meant I stayed uninvolved in any consequences he suffered. Painful for me sometimes. Letting go did not mean I stopped loving, hoping, or caring about him. I still said I love you. Letting go just meant I know I am powerless over your disease, and I cannot control it. I can still say to him. They know how to help you in the rooms of AA, but ultimately he needed to make that decision.
Hi Jane,
Welcome and thank you for stopping by and your kind words. You are so right, letting go, can mean letting go of the disease, not the child. I think for many parents, this is a bit murky though, because they don’t know where the disease ends and their child begins. It so often feels that the child is gone and the disease has taken over. Natural consequences need to happen. That can often be the best teacher. It is painful for parents, because it is so hard to watch our child make unhealthy choices.
One point I do want to make is that AA is a wonderful program and has helped many. Some, however don’t connect with the 12 Step philosophy for what ever reason. What is crucial is that we find a way to help those people find recovery as well, because one size does not fit all. There are many options and sometimes working with a therapist trained in all aspects of evidence based treatment can make the difference, or going to another type of group, such as SMART Recovery can help as well. You are so right that when we let go, we do have to let go of trying to control the addiction. What I like about CRAFT is that it gives families concrete strategies to communicate with your child which has the potential to improve their chances of seeking treatment. For me it means I move towards my child, not away, but let them take responsibility for their actions.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts! I appreciate hearing your point of view, as we learn and find our way through. Take care.
Thank you for the excellent bulleted list. This is something to save and read again and again . Very helpful. And yes, not everyone can connect with the 12 step approach. Luckily, there are options
Jane
You are welcome Jane. Yes, it is good that there are options. Thanks!
Oh my gosh, Cathy – this is fantastic! I love the way you help a parent see the issues through your list of “what would happen if…” And thank you for sharing the resources – I’m reading “Beyond Addiction,” right now – it’s terrific.
Thank you Lisa! I’m so glad to hear that you like the book. I’m looking forward to reading it as well and sharing the ideas. I do believe the strategies and tools are so helpful to families and can really make a difference!
Cathy, this is great. I love it. I think this alternative way of thinking about our part as parents is so needed. Love without enabling, instead of disowning them, kicking them out, letting them go until they get their #%^( together! That is painful for everyone, and helps no one. Thanks for this timely post. I will be sharing for sure!
Thanks Leslie! It is needed and hopefully the word will be spread around to families. The 20 Minute Parent Guide is a great resource for all families! Take care.
Hi Cathy,
This was an extremely inspirational post and your words about hope and love really struck a chord with me.
The questions you shared really are powerful too, as they enable people to step outside of the box, and to explore options and practical steps, rather than feeling stuck.
Thank you.
Hi Hiten,
I’m glad that you resonated with the post. It is important when dealing with addiction to step outside the box. Too long we have been trying to fit all the “square” pegs into one round hole, and when it doesn’t work, we don’t have any other solutions. This is not that way to treat our kids or to treat people in treatment programs. One size doesn’t fit all and it is up to the treatment professionals to provide treatment that works for the individual, not the other way around. Thank you for stopping by and you make a good point that we need to explore options and practical steps so that we aren’t stuck. Take care!
Beautiful post Cathy! Such a valuable post for any parents. Sometimes teens aren’t addicts but going through a host of many, many problems. This is wonderful for all parents. Thank you!!
Betsy
PS Love the Maya Angelou quote: “Love recognizes no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
Hi Betsy,
Life is complicated, but fortunately most teens aren’t addicts. Teens struggle with many things, but substance abuse in any form is not healthy and has the potential to railroad a young life. Sending love is always positive and helps the situation. Take care and thanks for your comment!
Hi Cathy,
Great messages. This is very in line with the messages of the amazing book, “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” by Robert Meyers. This is such an important idea to share: Take time to step away from the chaos and hopelessness of the situation to evaluate if you’re actually handling it in the most effective way.
This is an important one: “You told your child you loved them everyday, despite the challenges you are facing”
Sometimes I am so angry, frustrated and saddened by my loved one’s alcoholism that I just want to throw a kiss and walk away from this person forever. I remind myself that I love this person, and whenever I say this aloud or make this person feel my love, the situation ALWAYS improves, even if only for a short while.
Thanks for everything you do, Cathy.
Hi Jody,
These are messages from the CRAFT strategies which was created by Robert Meyers. I find that they make so much sense and that when we apply these strategies, we take care of ourselves as well as take help our loved ones. I know you have felt the stress of of loved one’s alcoholism and know first hand the issues involved. I’m glad that you have found that giving love can be helpful. Take care and appreciate you stopping by.
We so often complicate things – we human-types. Our “advanced” cognitive POTENTIAL gets us in so many jams. And that same POTENTIAL many times leads us astray when we attempt to wiggle free. Really, it’s the simplest of things that pull us through when the chips are down. I believe love is at the top of the list. I mean, in the darkest of hours, what else have we? Thank you, Cathy, for all you do…
Bill
So true, Bill. Love is at the top of the list that can bring us back when we are down. Sometimes the answers are right there in front of us. Take care and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
What a wonderful message Cathy and I admire how you continue to shed hope and light on such a horrible issue.
~Adrienne
Thanks Adrienne.
I think these are really helpful tips Cathy. The one that stood out to me was to tell your kid everyday that you love them. It is so easy to get frustrated and bitter when you are dealing with a constant problem. The little sign of reaching out and hugging your child and telling them how much you love them each day can have a lot of positive benefits in the long run I think. It might not in the short term, but in the long term it will be really beneficial.
It is also always important to take care of yourself before you take care of others. That’s why in planes they have the adults put on their oxygen masks before they put the kids on.
What do you love about a person? It is their behaviours!