Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them. ~ Albert Einstein
Do you feel empowered when dealing with your child’s substance use?
Would you like information that could help?
When you often think about your children in pain, you don’t know what to do. You want to feel empowered, but you don’t know how.
How can you fix the situation? You see the issues, and you can see a workable solution, but the addiction doesn’t work that way. We can’t control the disease or fix someone else’s life, even if that person is our child.
I recently received an email from a couple of moms concerned about their children’s drug use. One has a 23 years son living with her who had a heroin addiction problem and now drinks every weekend until he passes out. The other mom was concerned about her 18-year-old daughter, who uses marijuana regularly and possibly cocaine and Oxycontin.
My heart breaks for these moms who feel helpless, out of control, and devastated to watch their children self-destruct. As parents, it’s hard to know what to do. One mom is housing her child and feeling pressured to allow him to live at home. The other mom is just watching her daughter’s chaotic life.
You are most likely searching for the right answer, the correct word, or the action that will help change the course of your child’s life. We all want to fix our child’s problems and make things better.
Our children do not have their full strength when they turn to drugs or alcohol to ease their pain. They have lost their strength and their ability to be resilient.
When you allow yourself to become empowered, you become a role model of strength and show that you can meet the challenges that life throws your way.
What does it mean to feel empowered?
To empower is the ability to make someone strong and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights.
Here are seven ways to become empowered in the face of addiction:
1. Read and educate yourself. There are many books on the topic of addiction. Some contain information about the facts of addiction, while others tell a family’s story. Many are worth reading. Knowledge is power, so educate yourself about the disease of addiction.
2. Face Reality. Facing our truth takes courage. I was in denial for years about my daughter’s drug use. It did not serve her or myself well. Being in denial prolongs addiction’s agony and may prevent recovery for years. When you face the truth of your situation, solutions begin to fall into place.
3. Exercise. Exercise has benefits for everyone. It gives us confidence and makes us feel so much better about ourselves. Take a walk a few times a week to get started. I have been a runner off and on throughout my life, and I couldn’t recommend it more for feeling strong. Yoga is another form of exercise that offers a physical and mental release from stress.
4. Set boundaries. Imagine having a life where you have clear guidelines on what is and is not acceptable to you. You’ll feel much more in control of your life when you know your limits and can communicate them. When our children are in pain, it can feel very “unparent-like” not to do whatever we can to solve their problem. We support our children’s addiction when we don’t allow them to find their own strength and take responsibility for their lives.
5. Get Support. Nothing is better to ease the stigma and feeling of being alone than to attend a support group of parents either in person or on zoom. We can learn from others who have gone before us. When parents share their stories, it helps us learn how to handle our own situations. I always come away from a support group with gratitude. Professional help is another important option to consider. Get an objective opinion from someone experienced in the addiction field.
6. Focus on the Solution. Your immediate thought might be that you cannot solve your child’s addiction problem, which is true. The solution, for now, could be that you get yourself healthy, mentally and physically. Even if your child continues to struggle, you can be a role model for a healthy lifestyle.
7. Forgive. There are many things your children may have done during their addiction that seems unforgivable. They may have lied, stolen, wrecked the car, or been abusive. The list can go on and on. When we forgive, we get back the power we have given away. It’s now ours to keep, and we can use this power to help ourselves become accountable for finding joy in our lives.
Remember, just taking one small step at a time can get your family on the road to a better life without the pain of drug use.
Do you have a great tip on how to become empowered?
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I would be so grateful if you would check out my book, The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Addiction.
Hi Betsy,
So much of addiction advice is really basic life advice. It works in many situations. Thank you!
Cathy,
The points you make are built around each other. You can’t have one without the other. I think the support group stands out for me today. What would I add? Pray and surrender. Thanks for the work you do. It’s priceless.
Hi Tess,
Pray and surrender are perfect addictions. I keep pounding away at the importance of a support group. Many parents shy away, or don’t give it enough time to find the one that works for them. Sometimes it is hard when there is a large age range of parents because you are at different stages of the process. Thanks as always for your enlightening comment.
I love the quote you posted that states, “Empowering is the ability to make someone strong…” I have several cousins who are addicted to drugs and although their parents can’t take away these addictions from them, they can empower them to become better. I think one of the hardest things my Aunt and Uncle faced was facing the reality that their children were involved in drugs. I am grateful for programs that help people find solutions in how to help loved ones who are experiencing these things. One of my cousins chose to stop using and now has a sweet family with a new baby. He is doing really well. I know there is definitely hope!
Hi Brooke,
That is wonderful that you are concerned about your cousins. There is hope for everyone. That is great news that your cousin has changed his life. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Thank you for this Cathy. Well put and all good tips. Parents often feel helpless or feel like it’s their fault. I’d definitely add praying as well- You need God in this situation.
Hi Rochelle,
Parents do feel helpless, especially early on, when the situation is new. It can feel very overpowering. Prayer is an excellent addiction. Reaching out to our higher power brings comfort to so many. Thanks for stopping by and leaving an insightful comment.
The feeling of disempowerment is such a hurdle to overcome Cathy, your tips are invaluable and carry so much weight because of your own personal experience. Being willing to reach out might not be easy, but what a huge difference it might make in someone’s world. As you say, we have to be the change we want to see. No easy task.
Hi Elle,
As with anything, it does feel so much better to know that you are not alone and that you can turn to others for advice and help. So true, that we do have to be the change we want to see. Thanks as always for your insightful comment. 🙂
I agree with quite a few of the tips, especially excercise, I feel my best when I’m at the gym in a good place. But, the biggest area I’m struggling with is the forgive. My son who is 23, been in rehab 3x, is on suboxone, and will be going to jail soon for residential burglary. Recently, he stole credit cards and checks from us, he says he doesn’t know why he does these things and continues to do them. This has been going on for almost 8 years it gets worse each time. He was clean for over a year and we were so proud. I feel like the only end to this is him going to jail or death. Detached Mom
Hi Jackie,
My heart goes out to you. It is such a struggle when our kids are in the midst of their addiction. My hope is that his experience in jail will give him that opportunity to learn and grow. Recently a dad mentioned to me that going to jail was the best thing that ever happened to his daughter, which is an unexpected comment. Your words are so true that the end is jail, death or recovery. Don’t give up hope. Recovery can be in your son’s future. All the best to you and let me know how it goes.
These are excellent suggestions, Cathy! The three that really resonated for me were exercise, forgive, and setting boundaries. Thank you!!
Hi Lisa,
I think exercise is the first and most important thing for all of us, regardless of our situation. We can not handle stress and challenges if we are tired and out of shape. For many parents forgiving is not easy. We love our kids but hate addiction; it can be hard to tell the difference. Learning to set boundaries changed my approach to substance use and allowed me to realize that when parents take care of themselves, they are gaining the respect of their children, even if it is not immediately apparent. Thanks much for your insightful comment.
Excellent tips Cathy and excellent reasonings behind the tips. Often we feel helpless however we can recover. We do have an unbelievable strength inside of us just waiting to be ignited. Tap in to this strength and help yourself firstly then you can help others. Thank you.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David,
There is always hope, and the strength is there in each of us. For parents especially, it is important to feel their own strength before they can begin to try and help their children when they are in pain. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.
This is powerful, well rounded advice, Cathy. Feeling helpless is the hardest state to be in. In those frustrating moments when we want to grab someone and shake them awake, Indeed; the best thing we can do is shake ourselves awake.
Hi Rob,
So often we make the effort to help someone else get better and forget that we need to work on ourselves first. It’s so hard to watch our children not live their best life and make good choices. That is what every parent wants is for their child to be healthy and happy. You are absolutely right, the best advice is to shake ourselves awake. Thanks so much for your amazing comment.
Cathy,
This is excellent advice on how to empower ourselves and others and can apply to anyone’s life even if you don’t have an addict in the family. I do believe when we are empowered we can deal with things so much better.
Hi Angela,
Empowering ourselves is helpful in all aspects of life. Addiction advice carries over to so many other areas. When we are strong we can see things clearly, set our boundaries, feel compassion towards others. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Hi Cathy,
I may not have kids, neither am I married, but I know what it feels like to watch your loved ones helpless and in pain. All parents worry for their children and want them to succeed and be happy. Life is hard enough as it is and it is a confusing place with many choices, most of which are not good for us. So to see children go astray and get addicted is truly heartbreaking, painful and worrying.
You are perfectly right. Children are weak when they succumb to drugs or alcohol to ease their pain. They have indeed lost their strength and ability to be resilient. So naturally, the solution is for mothers to empower themselves to help their children out of their difficulties.
I think you have made many excellent points on how to become empowered in the face of addiction. Here are some of the thoughts that crossed my mind as I read them.
1. Read and educate yourself.
Knowledge is indeed power. The more we learn and know, the broader our horizons expand and the wider our options become. It also helps us to think of more creative solutions to our challenges. In reading I feel it is helpful not to just confine yourself to books on addiction if you have a child who is addicted. Yes these books are necessary, but after a substantial amount, you may hit a plateau on what you can do. Often, the spark or the insight you need may lie elsewhere. When you combine that spark with what you know about addiction, it might just create the solution you are looking for.
6. Focus on the Solution.
This is actually my motto in life. Focus on the solution, not the problem. When I was younger, I lost my way and became depressed. Thank goodness I never turned to drugs. But I struggled with pain and depression for a long time. Eventually, I altered my thinking with this motto and slowly changed my life. I have never looked back since.
By channeling the energy I spend worrying or on negativity in a positive way to eradicate the source of my problem or fears, I am doing something to change my situation. It is a matter of doing everything humanly possible to change things. As long as we act and adapt to changing circumstances, things will slowly change.
I am no expert when it comes to addiction. But I think that if I want to stop wrongdoing, it is important to know its basis and to find its mainspring. By dealing with the source of the problem, we eradicate the problem itself. If this means altering the child’s nature or beliefs or giving them some purpose or a new way of managing the world, it might be one more tool for them to use to get out of their addiction.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article! 🙂
Irving the Vizier
Hi Irving,
Wonderful insights – thank you for sharing! Reading is definitely not the only answer. It’s a good source for information and a way to learn about someone else’s experiences, but clearly at some point using your knowledge with your own creativity and/or intuition will help you find the answers you are seeking. The issues of addiction can apply to many other areas of life that cause people pain. So glad that “Focusing on the Solution” has worked for you. Certainly we can change our lives when we keep our eyes on the goal. Appreciate your thoughts.
Hi Cathy,
“Don’t change other people. Be the change you wish to see in other people.” ~ Gandhi. I love this quote.
Great list on feeling empowered, and focusing on the solution is where we need to set our mind to.
Hi Justin,
I love the quote as well. I read this one often to remind myself. Focusing on the solution gives us a positive goal and helps us not get distracted by negativity. Staying strong and positive will help in any situation.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hi Cathy,
I feel that the big one for addiction for parents is accepting reality. Many of us would like to turn a blind eye to it and think that no our child would never do that. This is when I believe it can get out of hand.
These tips are great for a parent in this situation. Everyone needs support to know they are not alone.
Great article, Cathy, and keep up the good work and support.
Blessing to you,
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
Parents can turn a blind eye and be in denial about their child’s drug use. They may feel that this is just a phase, and their child will outgrow substance use, they may not know what to do, so they would rather not deal with it. They are embarrassed and feel that it is a reflection of them. Whatever the reason, not facing the reality of the situation only allows the problem to grow deeper. Parents help the situation by working on themselves, learning about addiction, and seeking help to find a solution for their child. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.
Thanks for linking to Jimmy’s article. Resilience and empowerment are definitely connected. You both have done a fantastic job on these topics.
Bryce
Hi Bryce,
Rising above setbacks can make all the difference in your quality of life. Thanks for your kind words.
Wow, Cathy, this is very powerful. My grandmother outlived both of her children and she told me right before she died that the hardest thing that can happen to a person was to have their children die before them. I didn’t get it because I wasn’t a mom yet, I was young.
I’m thinking that watching a child destroy herself has got to be even tougher. I hope I never need this advice, Cathy, but thank you for sharing it with those who do. You have made their personal hell possible to endure.
Hi Carolyn,
That is tragic for your grandmother. Parents can become very panicked with their children are in their addiction. Some disappear for weeks, and you don’t know their condition. It is very stressful. It is helpful for parents to feel that they are not alone and that there are resources to help them. To work on ourselves is vital. We can deal with the situation so much better if we feel that we are in control. Thanks so much for your caring comment.
This is a very helpful sight that I have come across. Our son has been home a week from a therapy based boarding school in Utah, and I have knowledge of him using pot, salvia again. I feel sadness, anger, and I feel helpless. He is a junior in high school and I worry about his future. He sees therapists in our area. I don’t know what more I can do, but it is too hard to watch him destroy his life, and unfair to his two sisters, age 14 and 10. He is constantly pushing limits and we are afraid that he will leave, or continue to “cut” himself, we are all walking on eggshells. Pot may not directly kii you, but if he gets behind a wheel of a car it can. His THC level was 700 when he left for Utah with paid escorts last February. Thanks for letting me vent. One scared mom.
Hi Karen,
My heart goes out to you. I know this is a challenging situation. You didn’t mention if your son is over or under 18. It does sound like he is addicted to pot. Although some think otherwise, you can become addicted. To be honest the environment is the key. Is there any way you can change his environment by going to go boarding school away from his friends that most likely are users, or to another school in your area? This is obviously no guarantee that he will change his ways, but if he could be in a supportive environment away from using friends that would help. My daughter was 19, but was away from our area for six years and in treatment for a year and that is what I believe made the difference. Don’t for a moment think that pot is not harmful. It can ruin someone’s life. It’s not what they do on pot, it’s what they don’t do. It’s sad to watch, I know. take care and my best to you.