I have decided to stop saying yes to people and situations that don’t support my well-being. Instead, I will say yes to my happiness, and yes to my growth, and yes to all the people and things that inspire me to be authentic and whole, while at the same time accepting me just as I am. My yes, from here on out, is my pledge to live honestly, my commitment to love myself fiercely. and my cry to create my best life possible. Yes. ~ Scott Stabile
Do you wonder if you will ever find happiness again?
For parents of children struggling with a drug or alcohol issue, the joyful bliss of parenting is gone.
We imagined that there would be some parenting bumps along the road. Some are a little larger than others. You may be a parent who is dealing with substance use. Do you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride that you never imagined in your wildest dreams?
As I sat in a support group over the holidays, I watched the faces of the new parents who entered the room. They looked stressed, anxious, and in pain. Some even looked on the verge of tears. Have you ever felt this way?
You can see it in parents’ expressions and their body language. These parents are emotionally exhausted and worn out.
The stress of addiction
“When people think about their offspring – either imagining future offspring or thinking about their current ones – they tend to conjure up images of cooing babies smiling from their bassinets, adorable toddlers running higgledy-piggledy across the lawn, handsome boys and gorgeous girls playing trumpets and tubas in the school marching band, successful college students going on to have beautiful weddings, satisfying careers, and flawless grandchildren whole affections can be purchase with candy.” ~ Daniel Gilbert
Do you feel stressed because of what is happening now? Or are you more concerned about what the future will bring?
Addiction does take its toll on parents. Life is not the same, nor will it ever be again. Our lives are changed forever.
I remember how I felt when I first realized the extent of my children’s substance use. Some support groups I attended were helpful, and some not so much. At one meeting in particular, as I listened to the stories, I was more depressed after I left than when I had walked in.
I could not believe that this was where I needed to spend my time. I wondered if all I would be doing in the future was worrying about my daughter’s drug use. It didn’t sound like a fun prospect. I imagined a grim future and wondered if I would ever find happiness again.
Luckily I did find resources that worked for me. Not only have I found friends, but we laugh a lot and know that we are in this together. At the time, though, I never imagined that this would happen.
Happiness
I read Harvard Psychology professor Daniel Gilbert’s book, Stumbling on Happiness, not too long ago. I read two very different articles about the book online decided to buy it.
It is an interesting look at happiness from a somewhat academic point of view. Dr. Gilbert explains why we are so bad at predicting what will make us happy. He suggests that our imaginations leave out quite a bit, usually the good stuff, when we think about the future.
“Just as we tend to treat the details of future events that we do imagine as though they were actually going to happen, we have an equally troubling tendency to treat the details of future events that we don’t imagine as though they were not going to happen. In other words, we fail to consider how much imagination fills in, but we also fail to consider how much it leaves out.” ~Daniel Gilbert
Dr. Gilbert points out that when tragedy strikes, the things we leave out are things that matter. We don’t imagine that the future will bring the warm taste of our first cup of coffee in the morning. Or how nice it is to watch the sunset or even the happiness we will feel at the sight of our first grandchild. I never imagined I’d find friends going through the same thing that I was. The idea that my daughter would recover seemed unattainable as well.
When we let our imaginations run wild, we envision the worst scenarios. We wonder how we are ever going to cope. We imagine our child’s continual drug or alcohol use and the effects that it will have on our family.
When my daughter was using substances, I tried to cope with the situation as best I could. I was stressed, anxious, and in pain. I did not imagine my life would ever be calm again. Yet, today life feels pretty serene.
Live in the Now
“We insist on steering our boats because we think we have a pretty good idea of where we should go, but the truth is that much of our steering is in vain — not because the boat won’t respond, and not because we can’t find our destination, but because the future is fundamentally different than it appears through the prospectiscope.” ~Daniel Gilbert
Did you know that for every eight hours of thinking, people spend one thinking about things that have not yet happened? In other words, we devote one-eighth of our thinking time concerning ourselves with the future.
It may be because it is more pleasurable to think about the future than experience it.
We often think about the future for those of us with chaos in our lives. It gives us the chance to plan, organize, and pretend that we still have some control.
Having control
The sad reality is that parents of children with substance use issues feel that they have lost all control. Honestly, for the most part, they have.
“Apparently, gaining control can have a positive impact on one’s health and well-being, but losing control can be worse than never having any at all.” Daniel Gilbert
That is worth repeating. “but losing control can be worse than never having any at all.” That line jumped out at me. Now I understand why you feel so full of despair, anxiety, and hopelessness if your child is still in the midst of their struggle.
You had control, and now you’ve lost it. No wonder you feel so anxious, depressed, and sad.
Not to say that addiction is not an actual and stressful situation. Just talk to any parent trying to find the money they thought they had in their wallet, handling a call from the police about their son or daughter, or not having heard from their child for days. That is traumatic.
It is crucial to take care of ourselves and think about today for our health. We can learn coping strategies so that we are better able to deal with the current situation. You can get your life back and have peace of mind.
The truth is you can be happy again and most likely will be.
Dr. Gilbert goes on to reassure us that “Indeed studies of those who survive traumas suggest that the vast majority do quite well and that a significant portion claim that their lives were enhanced by the experience.”
In my post, How I Survived the Absolutely Lowest Time in My Life, you can read our story about substance use. In the end, my daughter found recovery and continues to do well today. I am a grateful mom. There was a silver lining to the experience for both of us because we both changed.
Those years were stressful. Yet, we survived, and our lives are better.
If your life is feeling miserable now because you are in the midst of your child’s substance use, know that you are not alone. Many parents have also had the same struggles with their son or daughter. They were able to find happiness again.
“The key to happiness, fulfillment, and enlightenment is to stop thinking so much about the future.” Ram Dass
Find happiness by living in the now. Take one small step at a time.
Happiness can still be part of your future. It is impossible to know how you will feel tomorrow, next week, or even next month. But rest assured, you may feel happier than you feel right now.
What about you? How have you found happiness? Please share in the comments section below.
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