How to Help Your Struggling Child When They Don’t Live at Home

Are you concerned you can’t help your struggling child because they don’t live at home?

Do you worry that you won’t be able to help them?

It makes sense that the CRAFT or Invitation to Change Approach is easier to use when your child lives at home. Still, there are things you can do to help when that is no longer the case.

If you aren’t familiar with Invitation to Change, you can learn more about it here. 

You may be in contact with your child or not have heard from them for a long time.

According to Tina Gilbertsen, “Recognize that not everyone who uses substances becomes addicted to them, so if your adult child is experimenting, treat them as though they have a functioning brain and the will to succeed in without drugs. Research has shown a tendency for people to live up to the expectations we have of them.”

“However, if your child has become lost in full-blown addiction, your expectations are a moot point. It’s time to seek outside help. Addiction is a bigger problem than you can or should deal with alone. Search for solutions through local authorities such as churches, hospitals, and social services.”

Here are five ways to help your child when they don’t live at home.

Acknowledge your pain

You may have experienced sadness, fear, and guilt because of your child’s drug or alcohol use. Dealing with a son or daughter’s substance use is complex and, unfortunately, may go on for some time. It can be easier not to have the chaos of drug use under your roof. Yet, not seeing your child every day may leave you wondering how they are doing.

Their absence can leave you worried about their safety. Take time to acknowledge your pain and do things to help yourself each day. Find time to care about yourself, enjoy what there is to enjoy, and connect with yourself through self-compassion.

Communicate often

One of the things that can help is to talk to your son or daughter regularly. I recommend contacting your child with a call or text once or twice weekly. Don’t overdo it, but let your child know they are in your thoughts with a message, such as “I love you.” or “I’m thinking about you.”

Don’t expect a response. Hopefully, your child will get back to you from time to time. Either way, letting your child know you are there without expectations helps. They know you still love them and are on their side. It will also help you feel better when they do not respond.

Your child may or may not have the money for a phone. You can decide if you want the ability to connect with your child, so some parents continue to pay for a phone. It’s your choice as sometimes the phones are continually lost. You need to make the best decision for your situation.

Positive reinforcement can still be helpful for your struggling child

You can learn to reinforce new and positive behaviors. Although you will not have direct access to whether your son or daughter stays healthy, you can still reward your child when appropriate. Positive reinforcement could be a verbal acknowledgment, a gift card, or taking them to an event when you visit.

It needs to be something that they appreciate. It is a little harder because you will not see your child daily. Finding a way to tell if they are moving forward with their lives is helpful.

The Compassion Antidote can answer many of your questions about how to help your adult child.

Try to maintain a positive relationship.

The point here is that you’ll have a greater chance that your child will listen to you if you have a close, positive relationship. You will both feel better as well. If your child feels your anger, they are less likely to confide in or listen to you. The more you can maintain a connection, sometimes talking about other things instead of their problems, the better.

Listen and acknowledge what your child is going through. Since you are not there, ensure you can verify the information before assuming it is correct. A parent recently told me her son said he had an apartment and had been sober for months when none was true. While it is not easy, maintain your objectivity as much as possible. Realize your child is in pain and needs you now as much as ever.

Reach out for professional help.

Researching social service options, counselors, and treatment programs can be helpful. You can gently suggest that your child give one or more of these resources a gain, if you can verify that your child follows through, this could be an opportunity to reward them. Even if your child says no once or twice, it doesn’t mean you can’t try again.

When you continue positively talking to your child, you can help a red light turn green. Your chances will be better if they will agree to seek help.

Finally, keep in mind that your child’s behavior makes sense to them at this moment. One size doesn’t fit all, so what works for one person doesn’t work for everyone. Your son or daughter may feel ambivalent about their substance use. One day ,they may be ready to change, and the next, not so much.

Don’t lose hope. Even if you are not physically close to your child, you can maintain contact and help your son or daughter live a healthier life.

Continue to think about using the Invitation to Change strategies for your struggling child who doesn’t live at home.

This article was updated on October 24, 2023. 

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