Have you heard of S.U.R.F.?
Are you frustrated by your efforts to talk to your child about their drug or alcohol problem?
Do conversations turn into a shouting match, or do both parties end up shutting down?
Your words matter when it comes to talking with your child.
Here’s why:
- If the conversations with your child are hurtful or confrontational, or if either of you shuts down, it only creates more hard feelings and disagreements.
- When you engage in positive talk with your child, the chances are higher that your son or daughter will be more receptive and respond more positively.
- Positive conversations are more productive. You will have a better chance of getting what you want.
- It will also help your child as well be less defensive and more willing to work with you. That will give you a better chance of seeing your son or daughter willing to take steps towards recovery.
- These skills work everywhere in any interpersonal situation. Taking the time to learn more positive communication skills will help you in many areas of your life.
How you express your concerns about your child’s drug or alcohol problem can make or break the conversation.
If you have been following the CRAFT approach, you most likely noticed that one of their communication strategies is the 7 Elements of Positive Communication.
As the program has evolved, the 7 Elements have been shortened to S.U.R.F.
S.U.R.F. is an acronym that makes the concept easier to remember and implement.
You will be able to communicate more effectively and stay more positive when you give some thought to how you want to approach a conversation with your child.
S.U.R.F. stands for:
- Be Specific
- Offer an Understanding Statement
- Accept Partial Responsibility
- Label Your Feelings
You don’t have to use these strategies in any particular order. It does help, though, to include them all in the conversation.
These are helpful skills that lead to more productive conversations. They can be a powerful way to help you and your child move forward.
When talking to your child, the conversation will be more productive if they don’t get defensive, even if they don’t agree with everything you’ve discussed.
Let’s break S.U.R.F. down so that you have a better understanding of what it means.
Be Specific
It is easy to ignore vague requests.
When talking to your child, focus on their behavior. If you are clear, you have a better chance of being heard. Focus on one area of concern, instead of going on and on about many topics. Talk about the behavior you want to see changed.
What can help is to write down what you want to say. Start small. Again, don’t try to cover a whole laundry list of problems. Choose one.
It’s all about baby steps. When you take one issue at a time, you will make progress.
Offer an Understanding Statement
When you understand, your child will be less defensive and more likely to work with you.
You don’t have to agree with your child’s behavior or their solution to their problem, but you can make an effort to understand some parts of it.
When you are talking with your child, one way to convey understanding is to say, “Yeah, I can see how you would…”
Being understanding is not being sarcastic, putting your child down, or telling him or her how to think. Understanding is putting yourself in their shoes. It’s considering their emotions and reactions to situations. Even though you may not have used drugs or alcohol, you most likely went through similar feelings when you were your child’s age.
Accept Partial Responsibility
Accepting responsibility can be hard for parents. When you take responsibility for a part of the problem, it does not mean that your child’s drug or alcohol use is your fault. Yet, it helps to share in the issue and step up to any part that you feel you may have played.
When you accept responsibility, it shows your child that you are not casting blame but are interested in solving the problem.
And it also tells your child that you are a team. You are in this together.
Your child most likely feels like they cannot do anything right. So it would be a boost for them to know that you acknowledge you made mistakes too and you are willing to work together to find a solution.
Label Your Feelings
What helps in conversations is not to cast blame or point fingers. A better approach is to talk about how you are feeling.
When you are expressing how you are feeling, do your best to take the word “You” out of the sentence.
For example, rather than say, “I can’t believe you can’t do your chores!” change it to “I would appreciate it if you would take out the garbage today.”
Also, express your positive feelings. “I don’t worry when you text me and let me know when you are going to be home.” The more you acknowledge what your son or daughter is doing well, the higher the chance they will repeat the positive behavior.
When using the four ingredients, some additional tips can help:
- The timing of the conversation is essential.
- Your tone and body language do matter.
- Practice ahead of time so that you are clear about what you want to say.
- Start small. Don’t try to have a conversation about the toughest problem first.
S.U.R.F. is a powerful approach.
Ride the wave for better communication. You will be one step closer to your child being ready for change.
Thank you for reading. You can get more tips in my email newsletter. Every other week, I share tips and ideas to help parents motivate their son or daughter to change if they are struggling with substance use. Join us by entering your email now.
