I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death. ~ Robert Fulghum
Are you struggling with the grief of your child’s addiction?
Do you feel sad because of what might have been?
Awhile back I wrote a post entitled When Addiction Wins: Support for Grieving Families. The article includes tips and support for parents who have lost their children to addiction.
From the National Institute of Drug Abuse, here are some alarming facts:
“About 570,000 people die annually due to drug use. That breaks down to about 440,000 from disease related to tobacco, 85,000 due to alcohol, 20,000 due to illicit (illegal) drugs, and 20,000 due to prescription drug abuse. ”
These are sobering statistics and reminds us that addiction continues to be a problem that affects all of us.
If you know someone who is struggling because of the loss of their child, Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing (GRASP) is an organization with meetings throughout the country that can offer support.
Parental grief can also occur when an adolescent or young adult is in the midst of their addiction. Parents continue to be challenged by their child’s behavior and by the effects of the disease. They have had to let go of the dream that they had for their child. They have now entered the not so pretty world of drug or alcohol abuse.
Especially at the beginning of the process, parents often resent the fact that they are sitting in a support group, getting support for a problem that they did not cause and never expected. Likewise, you may be isolated at home, hesitate to talk with anyone about the issues you are having with your child because you feel the shame of that situation. Naturally, you don’t want to be judged on your parenting skills.
It’s not a healthy place for any parent to be.
Too often our kids, when they are in the midst of their abuse, turn into someone we hardly recognize.
Grief can be a garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become the greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom. ~ Rumi
I was recently filing away some papers and came across some tips that the hospice sent me when my mom passed away last December. Grief comes in so many forms, but these tips felt all-encompassing.
Whether you have suffered the devastating loss your child, or if you’re struggling because you have lost the dream for your child, here are ten suggestions for handling the grief:
1. Take time to acknowledge and experience the loss of what was. Facing and accepting the loss of what your child may have been necessary so that you can continue with your own life.
2. Take time to let go of what was. Letting go means adjusting to a new reality in which what was, is no longer present. Letting go occurs when we are able to accept whatever feelings we have about the situation such as anger, guilt, fear, sadness, frustration. It allows us to trust and hope again. Letting go does not mean forgetting, minimizing, or in any other way negating the significance of what was lost or has changed in your child.
3. Take time to make decisions. Be patient with yourself and gradually begin to make choices that will help you keep control of your life and maintain self-worth. If you are in the midst of a particularly stressful time, it is often wise to postpone making major decisions.
4. Take time to share. Among our greatest need is sharing with other people. Find someone who you can share your experiences, feelings, and thoughts with. A support group or trusted friends and family can be helpful during this stressful time.
5. Take time to believe. For many people, a sense of spirituality is comforting and strengthening when you feel helpless and hopeless. Discover what kind of spirituality will give you the most comfort.
6. Take time to forgive. Move-in the direction of forgiving yourself and your loved one. Accept your imperfections, your humanness, and don’t criticize yourself for the things you did or did not do.
7. Take time to feel good about yourself. Put new energy in hobbies and activities that you once enjoyed. Explore new interests or hobbies.
8. Take time to engage life, honor yourself, and/or meet new people. Healing occurs when we move out into the world. Meeting new friends and engaging in new activities will give you new opportunities.
9. Take time to laugh. Laughter and humor help us survive and get more enjoyment out of life as you regroup and start again.
10. Take time to give. One way to overcome loneliness and grief is to volunteer. Become involved in helping others or engaging in something that is meaningful.
What are your thoughts about the grief of addiction? Let us know in the comments.
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Really wonderful tips and advice here Cathy to help parents deal with their grief. I feel each step is so important especially the first one. One has to embrace the grief and accept what has happened before they can move on. If we don’t acknowledge and accept what happened, we’ll simply be in a state of resistance and denial. Once a parent accepts, then the following 9 steps sound like a step by step action plan to healing and getting back on their feet.
Hi Vishnu,
I agree that acceptance is the first step. We cannot move forward until we have come to terms with the new reality. For those feeling sad because they are dealing with a child’s poor choices, it is important to work through the steps, so that they can heal and thus help their child. Thanks for stopping by Vishnu.
Cathy,
Having just returned from spending time with a family member who is slowly dying from this damned disease, I really needed to read this. He refuses to accept that his doctor’s say, “no alcohol,” instead interpreting that to mean one or two which of course turns into losing count. The fact that he doesn’t care is probably what bothers me the most.
And yet, I know about addiction, right? Twenty-three years of my own recovery and nearly that many years working in the field should tell me that the disease owns him and at this stage there’s no way out. I’ve known for some time that I’ve already started grieving his death so thank you for these tips. I’m going to keep them close.
I know your piece is directed toward parents grieving the loss of their children so thanks for indulging me this bit of deviation. I so appreciate all you do and admire the journey you walk.
All the best.
Hey Beth,
This post is for anyone who feels the grief of addiction, whether it be a child, a father, mother, brother, sister, cousin or friend. Addiction touches so many. It is hard to watch someone continue to stay in denial. I know it is painful. I hope that you can find some peace with your situation. Take care, my friend.
These are some great tools to help you get through grief. Each of them have the most component in them and that is, “Take time.”
Getting over something takes time. I never understood this. I thought it had to be immediate, but I found that you could forgive someone one day and then the feelings can come back the next. It is a continual progress. I also think acknowledging how you are feeling is crucial. Denying your pain is a surefire way to have it stick around. No shame to admit that you are in pain!
Great thoughts Sebastian. Working through your grief does take time. For some, their life has changed permanently and they need time and compassion to accept the change. We all grieve in our own way, so I feel it helps to be open minded and let each person go through the process at their own pace. Thanks as always for stopping by.
Great suggestions to handle grief. It is very hard to get over something or someone that made a great impact in our life but we have to learn to let go. As they say, close our eyes, clear our hearts and let go.
Inspiring words to “close our eyes, clear our hearts and let go.” It is hard to know that things have changed in a way that you did not expect, but acknowledging and accepting the situation for what it is the first step.Thank you for stopping by!
I’ve been dealing with a child that has a drug addiction and my life is overwhelmed with trying deal with it. It’s like an obsession trying to get him clean and want to be clean. I was always trying to get him to go to a rehab until one day someone told me I could not force him to get clean, that he has to want it or rehab is a complete waste of time and he will just walk out. I’ve finally accepted the rehab thing now I am trying to get it that he doesn’t want to stay clean even though he such a happy wonderful fun loving person when he is off the drugs, and the devil when he’s used.
Hi Linda,
I know that can be so frustrating when your child has a drug addiction and he is not willing to take steps to change. The program that I like the best is called Community Reinforcement and Family Training or CRAFT. You can learn more about CRAFT here -https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/the-craft-approach/
Feel free to reach out to me if you would like to discuss your situation further.