Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~ Melody Beattie
When drug and alcohol abuse knocked at our door, unfortunately, we opened up and let it in.
Since that day our life has changed forever.
Many days were a struggle, a challenge and felt painful.
At times I felt manipulated.
I could feel myself enabling, but couldn’t stop.
On occasion, the fear engulfed me as I lay awake with my eyes staring at the ceiling watching each hour pass by until dawn.
I muddled through as best I could. Some days I felt forgiveness, love, joy, and gratitude. On other days, I felt the sting of addiction.
I’m on an ongoing, lifelong journey of change, understanding, and compassion. I have to find my strength and learn to forgive myself and others. I am grateful my life and embrace the changes I have made.
This journey has taken me places I would never have expected. There are the people who I have met, and stories that I have heard that have been a gift. There is that driving force that has compelled me to channel my energies and kept me putting one foot in front of the other. I’m still standing because I know and feel more than I ever imagined.
I’ve learned many things through this process. Addiction and recovery will forever be part of my life. It is gone in it’s most fiery form, but it lies dormant, waiting to find that crack in the resistance, that opportunity to seep through if given the chance. It is a force to be reckoned with, one with no pity or shame.
Through this process of dealing with the health issue of family addiction, I’ve learned many things.
Here are some of the things I’ve learned from this experience. As they say in Al-anon, “Take what you like and leave the rest.”
Remember, one size never fits all.
I’ve learned that:
I can help others, but I cannot control them. I can only control myself.
I need to give myself the respect and attention that I deserve.
I can forgive myself for the mistakes and misjudgments I’ve made in the past.
Joy lies just below the surface. I can find happiness regardless of what is happening around me.
Addiction is a force to be reckoned with.
To help myself, I must do the work so that I have courage, strength, and knowledge.
I love that I don’t have to explain anything to another parent with an addicted child.
The stigma of addiction and recovery can sting. Don’t let it. Rise above.
We have to find our own reasons for wanting change.
Making time to breathe each day brings a haven of calm.
There is always a reason to feel compassion.
This is a marathon, not a sprint. Be prepared for the long haul.
No matter how much it hurts, sometimes we have to let go.
You can make a mistake and come back from it. It’s called recovery.
People in long-term recovery go on to live beautiful lives.
When we find support, we can begin to feel again.
My expectations are meaningless. I must accept reality.
Recovery is a lifelong journey.
Gratitude can bring me peace of mind.
With continual practice, I can conquer my fears.
There are always new ways to practice patience.
I need to take care myself and not let the problem engulf me.
Denial prolongs the problem.
Enabling prolongs the pain.
This is a family disease. It is in everyone’s best interest to take part and heal together.
I can let go of reacting and responding to other people’s problems. I can think about what I want.
I need love, compassion, and forgiveness for my loved ones.
It is important to make the best decisions that you can at that time because after your child is 18, they are adults and the decision to get help or not is up to them.
Help is there. We need to just reach out to it.
Real power comes when you acknowledge that you are able to make that change happen.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so we can live the life that we now have.
I can forgive others and I can forgive myself.
We can choose how we react to other people and to any situation.
As parents, we can always be more informed, educated and involved.
There is always hope.
Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live. ~ Dorothy Thompson
There are no guarantees, but here’s what you can do to help prevent drug and alcohol abuse from knocking on your door:
Educate yourself and educate your children early and often.
Communicate often about the dangers of drug abuse.
Know your children’s’ friends, and who their friend’s parents are.
If you are a parent, lock up your prescription drugs and alcohol.
Don’t ever allow yourself to think that addiction couldn’t happen to your child.
If you’ve been through addiction and recovery in any form, what have you learned? Let us know in the comments!
Thanks for sharing these powerful lessons, Cathy. Gratitude for all that is right helps us feel our ‘marvelously made” nature. When we feel true gratitude, a higher way of seeing humanity and a better way of responding to life exists.
Hi Rob,
Gratitude can make such a difference in our lives. Some things that can lead to more happiness are journaling, exercise, meditation, random acts of kindness and 3 gratitudes each day. No matter what happens in our life, we all have something to be grateful for. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!
Cathy,
I love Melody Beattie’s stuff. She’s such an awesome writer. Iv’e learned the same “With continual practice, I can conquer my fears.” And also when I find myself wanting to control or change somebody else it’s a reminder to stay in my own backyard;)
Hi Tess,
So true. It’s easy to find what is wrong with others, but more difficult to take a hard look at ourselves. I’ve been reading several of Melody Beattie’s books lately. She is very inspirational and writes from the heart. Take care!!
Cathy….such a rich and vulnerable post. I’m so glad that you mentioned that you should know your childrens’ friends and their friends’ parents. That concept goes off the radar too often. Assumptions are made about people because of their professions, etc., I always made it a point to have our home be the center where the kids hung out. Believe me, it wasn’t foolproof. But I knew what was going on….and if I didn’t, I was able to sniff ‘trouble’ most of the time. None of us has the answer when we raise our kids. Some of what happens is the ‘luck of the draw’. Period! I think back on some of the mistakes I made and laugh wondering ‘what was I thinking of?/ 🙂 Fran
Hi Fran,
That is wonderful that your home was the center for the kids. That gave you a chance to meet your children’s friends and get a sense about what they were all about. We all do the best we can at the time, and some of it is the luck of the draw. Parents can take steps to lessen the chances that their children will experiment, but we all know we can’t control everything they do. Thanks for sharing your insights. It is always nice to hear from a mom who has been through raising teens.!!
Powerful indeed Cathy,
Keep going…
be good to yourself
David
Thanks David for stopping by and your kind words.
“We have to find our own reasons for wanting change.” This has been the key for me thus far. All the other reason’s I tried to quit before folded like a bad poker hand. Reason’s such as guilt for church or because my wife wanted me too did very little for me. Now, I want to quit for my reason’s seems to be making all the difference.
On a side note, I wanted to ask you guys, How long should someone be free from their addiction before they start a support group?
Hi Artisan,
When we try recovery for others, it rarely works. We need to want to make the change ourselves. I’m glad that you are ready to make this change in your life. Your life will be better for it.
Regarding support groups, do not wait for any length of time. Go now, be honest about your situation and you will find support. There are many support groups of all kinds, so I hope that you find one that meets your needs.
Cathy,
Thank you for responding. Let me clarify my question. There are no support groups for my addiction in my area. This means, if there was going to be one, I would have to start it. Is it too early for me to start one? Or would I have no credibility.
Hi Artisan,
I don’t see any reason why you could not start a support group. That would be wonderful. Not only would you be helping yourself, but anyone else in your area that has the same issues. I say give it a go. Best of luck. Let me know how it goes.
I have hardly met a family that has not been touched in some way by addiction. It is very difficult to be grateful and yet I know I have done my best and it has taught me how I was addicted to sugar – and how amazing it is to get free of it….my sibling took it on into the hard sugars of alcohol…and is now so confused by liver damage and dementia that we no longer know each other.
This is a wonderful post and I have bookmarked it as a reminder of hope and gratitude Thank you for sharing
Hi Patricia,
My heart goes out to you and your sister. It is a devastating disease not only for the addicted person, but for the family members as well. Gratitude does see us through. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Take care.
These are so useful lessons, that everyone can practice in its own life. Thank you endless!
Thank you Mubera for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. Appreciate it!
I am still goin through this horrific ordeal. 5 yrs later and $175,000 later. Thanks for all the posts. It has really helped me
Hi Gail,
My heart goes out to you. Addiction can go on for many years and the family members suffer as much or more than the addict. As we become aware of the need to take care of ourselves, we will begin to gain clarity, inner peace and calm. I’m glad the post was meaningful to you. Take care and thank you for leaving a comment.
Hi Cathy – this is such a powerful post. This one especially jumped out at me, “We must let go of the life we have planned, so we can live the life that we now have.”
Something that has been going around lately that I think is very helpful is this take on the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot change
the Courage to change the one I can
and the Wisdom to know it’s me.
Take care,
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
It takes us all awhile to realize that addiction has entered our lives. Even if we or our family member finds recovery, our life is changed forever. I love this new version of the Serenity Prayer. How true. All we can do is change ourselves and try to be the best that we can. Thanks for sharing the new version.
I liked what you said about not having to explain anything — understanding that I don’t have to know all the answers, and that I’m not required to instantly respond to every question that’s asked of me, has been very freeing.
Hi Chris,
I like that idea as well. I feel that we are all learning together. It is empowering to share our experiences with each other and hear other’s stories. I do not feel the need to respond to everything, and like to be ready to say, “I’ll think that over.” It is freeing. I never expect anyone to have all the answers, but I do enjoy getting bits and pieces from everyone I meet who has been through this experience. It’s so nice to know that you are not alone. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Take care.
What I love about your post Cathy is that despite having been through the horrors of addiction with your family, you have emerged with so many positives – forgiveness, tolerance, understanding .
Your story will surely inspire and give hope to others struggling with their own challenging situations.
Hi Carolyn,
Thank you for your kind words. It has been a journey, which I know you can understand. People who have been through addiction in any form have a unique understanding of that is involved. Take care and thank you for stopping by.
Yes Cathy, addiction is a disease that hurts the family deeply, it kind of breaks the entire fabric of love and respect that binds the family together. I have an addict in my family and have felt each of these feelings at one time or the other. These are some powerful lessons, and we need to learn to accept the situation first to be able to do anything to come out of it.
Hi Sarah,
I love your words, ” it kind of breaks the entire fabric of love and respect that binds the family together.” So true. It is a devastating disease that can be emotionally exhausting for the family members. My heart goes out to you that you have an addict in your family. Acceptance is the first place to start, followed by compassion and understanding. I wish your family the best and hope that your family member finds long term recovery. You are not alone., there are many of us in this same situation.
Take care!
Cathy,
This is beautiful writing and I really enjoyed reading it. You are inspiration to parents or anyone who are going through substance abuse, either as a victim or as an onlooker. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through but you’ve turned that negative into a positive. I really enjoyed reading! Thank you!!
xoxo
Betsy
PS Love the quote. I’ll have to check Melody Beastie.
Hi Betsy,
I love the quote as well. Melody Beattie is a gifted writer who has used her life experiences to inspire others. Thank you for your kind words. It has been a journey, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. That being said, it feels like this is my path and that I’ve been given this experience for a reason. I just take each day as it comes and see what gifts lie in store for me.
Take care, my friend!
Hi Cathy,
Your words, “I’m on an ongoing, life long journey of change, understanding and compassion. I have to find my strength and learn to forgive myself and others,” fill my heart with familiarity. In fact, I’m immersed in them at this stage of my growth.
Coming to terms with addiction’s insidious thread of codependency is perhaps more difficult than accepting my own alcoholism, but when I apply some of the ideas and learnings you suggest, it is infinitely easier.
Just for today, I will accept God’s grace, take a deep breath and forge on. Beautiful post, my friend!
B Well.
Hi Beth,
Codependency is addicting, in and of itself. You want to be needed and fix every problem. This is so common with family members, especially mothers. As I’m sure you are aware. families are pulled into enabling and denial as well, so this is often a complicated, confusing situation for the family member.
I love your words – “Just for today, I will accept God’s grace, take a deep breath and forge on.” Beautiful! Take care and so grateful to have become friends with you!
nice post cathy – there is much we can take from addiction to improve our life.
great minds think alike on this topic : http://addictionjournal.net/?p=1389 .. So many of us feel the same way I guess and hope to share w/ the folks new to addiction ..
thanks for sharing your point of view ..keep up the good work
– thanks
@parentofaddict
Thank you for your kind words and support. I will check out your post as well. Take care.
Hi Cathy,
Great post, it’s hard not to think of my dear mother when I read your words. I recently celebrated 3 years of recovery, and to see how family relationships can mend and heal, has been amazing.
Recovery is a unique ride!
Thank you,
Tate
That is wonderful Tate!