Have you thought of how allowing for naturally occurring consequences can help your child change?
I’ve been learning tools and strategies to help parents cope with their child’s substance use issues. These strategies and tools can help any family.
Many think of naturally occurring consequences as tough love. But there is a difference.
Tough love can be cold, insensitive, and not in your child’s best interest. It is emotionally charged and usually comes from a place of anger. You may be turning your back on your child with the idea that you can turn your back on their problems as well.
I’ve had two instances in my life where I thought tough love was the answer. They were extreme situations. Because of their decisions at different times in their lives, two of my children were both on the verge of being homeless.
Because I was so frustrated, I thought that turning my back and letting go of my concern was the answer. I knew in my heart, however, that I could never let go of my children.
Not only could I not let go, but my stress level skyrocketed during both instances, and I wrestled with not being able to sleep and being obsessed with worry. Tough love didn’t work very well for me.
Naturally occurring consequences
Another choice is to allow for naturally occurring consequences. I know this sounds very much the same, but it is different. And here’s why.
Allowing for naturally occurring consequences comes from a place of compassion and love. Planned for ahead of time, is not emotionally driven or confrontational. It is not a punishment.
Calmly get out of the way and let the world teach your child. Those teaching moments can increase their desire to do something and decrease their undesirable behavior.
The lesson is: with actions, there are consequences. When you allow your child to experience those consequences, they learn a powerful lesson about life.
Their life experience is something that they will remember much more deeply and profoundly. A few life lessons where the negative outweighs the positive could be the beginning of change.
You can learn more about natural consequences by watching my video here:
Life lessons
Some examples of life lessons could be:
- Your child misses school because they’ve failed to get up in the morning on time.
- Your child has to face their legal issues because mom and dad will not bail them out once again.
- Dinner is not waiting for your child when they fail to show up on time.
- Your child misses days of work because of their substance abuse. No one covers for them, and they could face the consequences.
- Your child is not using the car for a while because they are not responsible.
There are two essential critical ingredients to naturally occurring consequences.
One is to let your emotions be on the back burner and stay calm. Plan and think through your decisions in a rational way. Let your child accept responsibility for their actions.
The second is to be fair to your child and let them know ahead of time that you will be allowing natural consequences to occur with some of their negative behavior. You might even write it down in a contract that you all sign so everyone is clear.
Allowing natural consequences can be difficult for some parents. You may feel scared about the future. You may still be hung up on covering for your child because you don’t want others to know what is happening. Start small with things that you are comfortable with and go from there.
It is hard to see our children suffer, yet when you continue to protect your child from their actions, they learn that there is no downside to their behavior. There is no reason for them to stop their harmful actions.
Enabling behaviors
Enabling is what might come into play here. When we enable we are doing things for our child that allow the negative behavior to continue.
As I mentioned in my post on Positive Reinforcement, you can be supportive and kind to your child and encourage their healthy behavior, but you do not need to support or cover up for their poor choices. Naturally occurring consequences go hand in hand with positive reinforcement.
Here are three questions based on The 20 Minute Guide that you can ask yourself when considering natural consequences.
- What are the consequences of my child’s substance use?
- What am I doing, subconsciously, or consciously to cushion my child from experiencing these consequences?
- What can I do to allow my child to feel the consequences of their behavior while being aware and protective of any life-threatening situations?
The close calls with my kids ended on a positive note. Lives changed, and two people made better choices when they realized what they were facing. When I look back, I was probably allowing for naturally occurring consequences, although I wasn’t aware of the term at the time.
I worked through my frustration and turned towards my kids instead of away from them in both instances. They both found a solution that worked for them.
I’m better suited for the strategy of allowing naturally occurring consequences because it feels peaceful to me. It comes from a place of love.
Remember, when you protect your child from themselves, they don’t have any reason to change.
Let the world provide teaching moments that can make a difference.
Did you like this article? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. Also, if you need to contact me, please feel free to use the contact form or e-mail me directly at (cathy@cathytaughinbaugh.com). I always love hearing from you.
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And consider getting access to my online course, Regain Your Hope, an online course that gives you an action plan to help your child. Know that your child can change. Love, Cathy
Great post, Cathy! I hope to get to participate in that same training soon. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are making a difference!! 🙂
I hope you can as well Dean. You would be a great coach for parents. Thanks for your comment and support! Take care.
Going back to the very first use / decision is where the answers will be found = what was going on @ that time in ones life? + If people don’t own their part in their problems with addiction little can be done to stop the OD deaths of addicts. = Too many OD deaths will continue to be the outcome / sign of the times. Dealers are the only ones who see their victims / addicts as assets – while governments / law enforcements / medical organizations / etc. see them only as liabilities = this must change inorder to save lives.
+ We must do all that we can to insure that every young Islander / kid has a positive drug free life experience now and in their future..This can be done in every community across PEI = Rotary, Lions , Commerce, Churches, Schools, Town Halls, Parents etc. can all take appropriate action, along with the media, TV, News papers, etc. to educate and empower kids so they can say ” I KNOW BETTER “. + Parents must be able and willing to say ” I KNOW BETTER “.
Hi James,
That is so true, that people need to own their problems. Addiction is a disease and the prescription drug abuse issue is so sad. Too many are losing their lives way too young. Thanks for your comment!
“Globally it’s the brand of Small Town Mentality”
( The informal Pharmacy )
All the boys in a row fraternally
withhold and grant opportunistically.
Surviving on the “no tell” philosophy
developing the powers of dependance.
Selectively affecting the destiny
while bearing toxic gifts of gratuity.
Globally it’s the brand of small town mentality.
Look behind the mask of the propriety.
See through the window of opportunity.
Around the view promoted politically.
Past the misuses of history
to the avoidance of present reality.
You’ll uncover the local gentry.
Globally it’s the brand of small town insanity.
The gentry laugh unceasingly
playing the game blatantly
banking on the prosperity.
Users take it humorously
while looking at the hypocrisy
recognizing the fraternity.
Their victims aren’t always the enemy.
It has to be dealt with truthfully.
Know what to look for you will see
which of the pillars of the community
hold the keys to the informal pharmacy.
Living beyond their means materially
toys for the boys can be costly.
Globally it’s the brand of small town insanity.
Ironically victims possess the key
to the powers of the local gentry.
Votes of disapproval anonymously
can close the window of opportunity.
Spoken in united group harmony
only your truth will set you free.
Globally it’s the brand of small town mentality.
Strangers don’t go away accidentally
seeking distant equal opportunity
it’s just not their brand of insanity.
Author: James L. Halstrum ( The Stone Shadow )
(C) 1991 All rights reserved.
“Lyric Publication and Promotion”
P.O.Box 1326 Montague, PEI C0A-1R0
Phone/FAX: 902-838-2218
natvspol@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/james.halstrum1
The youth of the world must turn their backs on the informal pharmacy.
JUST SAY “ I KNOW BETTER”
No one is forced into the informal pharmacy it’s their own decision
to give up the self control of their lives and their self respect.
+ all of the collateral damage to self, friends, family, community, etc.
Make more positive and better choices in your lives.
NOTE: Especially stay away from MOLLY and Krokodil : look up
the results of using these 2 drugs, alone.
http://www.teendrugabuseprevention.com/haveyouheardabout…/
Thanks James for your sharing your poem and your thoughts!
So tough, albeit necessary Cathy to allow consequences, especially hard ones like legal and losing jobs. It’s difficult to imagine the emotional hurts that are experienced with addicted children never having experienced this…but boy can I empathize.
I feel so grateful to you Cathy for sharing your love and knowledge and experience with the world in the way that you do. You are truly a blessing.
Hi Elle,
It is very stressful for parents to have to deal with their child’s substance abuse and to put into place, strategies that will help them make better choices. By coming from a place of love and encouragement, parents feel more empowered that they are putting forth their values and allowing the world to teach their children. I will not say that it is easy, but this strategy, combined with many others will help your child in the long run.
When we say that consequences are necessary to fight addiction and think that bailing people out repeatedly is harmful, we are often failing to consider mental illness, which affects at least 50% and more likely 70-80% of those who repeatedly relapse. Jail and prison and homelessness do not treat addiction or mental illness. And the mentally ill may simply be incapable of making the change you want them to make when you want them to make it. So, all that stuff does is make the mental illness worse because it increases stress and lowers trust. The person whose kid never learned from consequences may have a child with mental illness who *can’t* learn from consequences— bailing him out may not be why he is that way. In fact, it might be why he’s still alive. So, this advice is *not* applicable to all and you really need to know what’s driving an addiction before you start saying the answer is “natural consequences.”
You make a good point about those with mental illness, Maia. I agree everyone’s situation is different and hopefully parents whose kids have mental illness along with their addiction are treated. It doesn’t always happen, but we all want people with addiction issues to have the opportunity to get treatment. Addiction we know is complicated and we have a lot more work to do.
Naturally occurring consequences works well with positive reinforcement. Looking for things that your child is doing right, and acknowledging those actions can be a help to the teen or young adult as they try and turn their lives around. There are many other strategies as well, such as positive communication with your child, taking the time to understand why your child uses drugs and what they are getting out of it, understanding that there are times when your child has a strong desire to stop using and realizing that their are other times when they fall back into their negative behavior. Naturally occurring consequences is just one tool that can promote change. When used along with other strategies, especially positive reinforcement, it can send a powerful message that life can change for the better. Thanks again and appreciate your input.
You raise such an important distinction, “Many think of naturally occurring consequences as tough love. But there is a difference. Tough love can be cold, insensitive and not in your child’s best interest. It is emotionally charged and usually comes from a place of anger. You may be turning your back on your child with the idea that you can turn your back on their problems as well.”
I think most people who love someone who drinks too much – children, spouse, sibling… – have been told “you just have to use tough love” at some point in their journey to help. The way you explain the difference and how parents can start small, with simple things, will help parents better tackle the bigger issues related to a child’s substance abuse and/or addiction.
Hi Lisa,
There is an important distinction. There is a fine line between tough love and naturally occurring consequences Naturally occurring consequences is strategically planned ahead of time. It is not emotionally charged, nor does it come out of anger or frustration. It’s just basic common sense that your child learns that there are consequences to negative behavior. Again, we don’t want to put our child in harm’s way and we also don’t want to enable. This is hard work for parents, nothing that we expected or planned for. Lots of practice helps as well as determination and patience. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Take care.
I would urge folks to read the new book by the people at the Center for Motivation and Change. It’s called “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” Really fascinating stuff.
Hi Dean,
Thank you for the great reminder! The book comes out tomorrow, so if you haven’t received your copy, get yours asap. It can really make a difference.
Well a healthy discussion is always worth having, right? When and where do we draw the line between tough love, natural consequences, and enabling? If we all knew, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But what I love is that you opened it up for discussion thereby helping all who read it to dig deeper into their own thought about where they stand on it, and how it pertains to their own situation, and THAT is incredibly valuable for all!
Hi Leslie,
That is so true, that this is a complicated disease with no clear cut answer. I do believe we all need to look at our own values and decide what is best for our family and our children. We are all different, yet we know that kindness and compassion gives better results in the end. Thanks for stopping by!
Cathy –
One of my dearest friend’s son had a drinking problem. He hired a lawyer and got him off on his first DUI. But the next time? He let him stay in jail for 24 hours and employed tough love BIG TIME. Doing so saved hi son’s life.
I’ve had to use it -but not over drunk driving- with my son when he was a teenager. And how right you are. Using ‘tough love’ as a strategy from a loving, compassionate place vs. a scared and angry one, can reap positive results. I learned that over a period of several years.
As always, thanks for the much needed information. Fran
Hi Fran,
Sometimes we do need to our kids take responsibility and the only way we can do that is to get out of the way and stop protecting them from the consequences of their actions. I’m so glad your friend knew when to take action that would help her son. It is a judgement call for each parent, and there is no one right answer. We all have to listen to our instincts to know what to do at any given time. Thank you for stopping by!
Here’s what I think, Cathy. You loved/love your children, and you did what your heart told you was the right thing to do. And it worked. Under other circumstances you might have done something different. Who knows? In my book, it’s about love, respect, fairness, and doing the best we can. I can’t slice and dice it. All I know is, I trust your judgment – and heart. Thanks, k?
Bill
Hi Bill,
Thanks for your wisdom. Love, respect, fairness and doing the best we can are exactly right. All of our situations are different, so we need to use our best judgment for our particular situation, as there is no one right answer.That is why it is important to have knowledge and understanding about substance abuse. Thanks for stopping by!!
Thanks Cathy for great story.
Hi Payam,
Welcome and thanks for stopping by!
Cathy, gosh. Your posts are getting even more awesome. I’m so inspired by your commitment to this cause and the community you’re building here. What a source of strength you are for so many people living the story you experienced years ago. High five, Cathy!!
Thank you Jody for your kind words. Together we can break through this stigma. I love the work that you are doing as well. You are an amazing resource for families with kids who are living with alcoholic parents. I appreciate you stopping by! High five to you as well!
I’m looking for great sites / programs for Helping With and Understanding ADDICTION = 4 PEI folks / children /parents / etc.
Every PEIslander youth / kid needs all of the positive support and help that they deserve and can bennifit from = To allow them to just say ” I KNOW BETTER” then to USE HARD or SOFT DRUGS of any kind… Kids can be, do and know better than all of the rest= even their Parents, Relatives, Peer group members / Friends, Community leaders, Politicians, etc. TAKE A STAND for ALL of the KIDS on PEI – NOW. Take steps toward a CLEAN PEI today…
UNITE and say ” WE KNOW BETTER “. PEI KIDS are a ” Know Better Cause” for the future of PEI.
I was told by everyone not to hire an attorney when my son was charged because he had to deal with the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately, he ended up with very little treatment for his disease through the criminal justice system, absolutely no understanding of the mental health issues that lead to his disease and poor choices as well as adding to the issues he already had. He is forever changed by his experience and it will take much more treatment to help him cope with all that has happened to him. The criminal justice system should not be handling a medical/psychiatric condition. It was a huge mistake not to get an attorney to help my son. The consequences were too great.
As far as the school consequences goes, why aren’t we looking more into why students are struggling? There’s a lot of blame on parents and children who have substance use disorders but what about the responsibility of the education system to recognize learning issues instead of punishing children who are struggling which leads to anger, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. These are all high risk behaviors that lead to self-medication. We haven’t even discussed the responsibility of doctors who legally prescribe narcotics to children who become addicted.
It’s easy to say we need to allow them to deal with the consequences of their behaviors but many times there were plenty of opportunities to keep the behavior from happening. Why should we insist they pay the price instead of trying to work on solving the issue?
Hi Tonia,
Welcome! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m sorry about your experience with your son and the legal system. It is always a tough call and there is no easy answer. Parents need to make the best choices for their children, and I’m certainly not promoting that kids be put in jail. I’ve heard from parents who say that jail saved their child’s life and also stories similar to yours, so clearly there is no one right answer, and certainly other options would come first. There are also other areas in which a person can take responsibility such as working to help pay for the attorney, or following through on their probation.
Society as a whole has much work to do to solve the substance abuse problem with our teens and young adults. More prevention education is definitely needed for both parents and students. Clearly doctors need to be responsible about prescribing medications that are not needed. Work needs to be done in all areas.
The idea is that when you shield your child from the consequences of their behavior, your child learns that their behavior has no downside, and so why wouldn’t they keep doing it? This is a judgement call that each parent needs to make for their particular situation. Be sure to check out the 20 Minute Guide for more information about how using positive reinforcement and natural occurring consequences helps promote change. Take care!
The is a Norwegian Proverb that says – “Life is the best teacher, but the tuition is high.” Like it or not, actions have consequences. Sometimes the consequences are out-sized, out of proportion to circumstances. At other times, it is just the opposite. What is the rhyme and/or reason of that? There isn’t any. It’s called living life on life’s terms. The biggest lesson I have learned in life is that you rarely get all that you deserve, good or bad. You can’t save an addicted from themselves. How could you? For every instance where some may think that intervention was responsible for a person’s recovery, a case could also be made that it may also have prolonged their agony. Of course, the opposite is also true and that gets to my point. We can never really know. Only the addict decides if and when they might become willing to make a change, or never. We still must try to help. On balance, I would still tip the scales in favor of compassionate empathy for the one who still suffers. We do the best we can to help and then we hope. Even if the one we try to help falters, we have at least gained some strength in the process in order to live a fight for another on some other day.
Hi Clark,
Welcome! I agree that compassionate empathy can make the difference and helps to heal all involved. There is no magic bullet or easy answer. All situations are different, and while there are things that parents and family members can do, there is unfortunately no absolute guarantee that a person will seek change. That being said, it makes sense to learn as much as you can about what you can do as a family member, especially a parent so that you can be the best possible resource and support system for your child. Thanks so much Clark for stopping by and sharing your insightful comment!
I have to say that I smiled when I first saw this post. The reason is because I think I know the kid in the picture you used haha.
You give some great tips on letting parents know how to go about teaching kids that their actions have consequences. The world is a great place to learn. I have found that the most learning and change resulted from the consequences of my actions. Mainly losing someone in my life four years ago because of my ineffective actions. It was extremely painful and at the same time it helped me grow in so many ways.
Even if your kids are not addicts it is good to teach them the lesson that actions have consequences whether positive or negative. I wish my parents had done that and been firm with me when I was a teenager.
Thank you for making very clear the difference between “tough love,” and allowing natural consequences. The very meaning of tough is, uncompromising, which doesn’t leave room for individual struggles. The word allowing, in “allowing natural consequences,” leaves room to be “protective of any life threatening situations.” After all, we need our Loved One to stay alive if our goal is recovery. Also, I heard so many people ask, what is enabling and what is help? Mr. Grover’s remark, “When we enable we are doing things for our child that allows the negative behavior to continue.” When we do things that facilitate our Loved One’s progress towards recovery we are helping. Thank you for this post and thank you both for your continued training. Best wishes.
– Anne
Thanks so much Anne for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. There is a fine line difference between tough love and allowing for natural consequences. The later is gently stepping out of the way and letting the consequences happen, while tough love can feel more punitive.