Melissa looked to have a perfect life.
She is happily married with a son and a daughter.
She and her husband had worked hard to raise their kids and send them off to college. They did their best to lay a strong foundation for their kids to grow and flourish.
There was one problem. While away at school, their son developed an opiate habit. Within a short amount of time, he realized he needed help.
Melissa had a hard time forgiving herself for all the perceived mistakes she felt she had made as a parent. She had attempted to give her child a happy home. Her children had been provided in the best way she knew how.
Once she knew about the problem she sent her son to a treatment program that was not a good fit for him. Melissa felt great regret about that choice. Yet, at the time, she was doing the best she could.
For many parents, it’s hard to let go of blaming yourself when your child develops a substance use problem. It may also feel difficult to forgive your child for the pain they have caused you and the other family members.
Substance use affects the lives of everyone in the family in many ways. Sleepless nights, anxiety, fear, embarrassment, and broken promises are some of the things you may have may experienced.
Often forgiveness is something we consider, but it feels out of reach. You may feel burdened down by substance use. It may feel hard to forgive your kids or yourself. Yet, forgiveness is the start of the healing process.
Sometimes there is an incentive for not forgiving. You can continue to blame the other person for your unhappiness.
Learning to forgive
But you can learn to forgive. You can do that by developing compassion for yourself and for others.
When you forgive, it allows you to let go of past wrongs. You can forgive others that you have wronged. You can forgive yourself for any missteps from the past.
There will be regrets. You are not alone. Many parents with struggling kids feel the same way.
Substance use does not discriminate. It is a complicated issue with many risk factors that play into why a person experiments in the first place.
When you realize your child is using substances, you may feel that you need to blame yourself. As time goes on, regardless of the outcome, it is important to forgive not only your struggling child but also forgive yourself.
Most parents do the best they can when raising their children.
Studies have shown that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. Forgiveness improves physical health. When people think about forgiving an offender, it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems.
A study at the University of Wisconsin found that the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses, and the less forgiving people reported a greater number of health problems.
The research of Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University found that people who are taught how to forgive become less angry, feel less hurt, are more optimistic, become more forgiving in a variety of situations, and become more compassionate and self-confident. His studies showed a reduction in the experience of stress, physical manifestations of stress, and an increase in vitality.
Forgiveness is an important teaching in most religions. In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being. Buddhism recognizes that feelings of hatred and ill-will leave a lasting effect on our mind karma.
Addiction causes people to feel guilt, shame, remorse, and self-loathing. Knowing that they are forgiven is another step in their journey to positive change.
Here are 17 ways that forgiveness improves your life:
- Forgiveness helps you regain a sense of wholeness.
- It takes you out of the victim role.
- Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, even if the other person doesn’t “deserve” it.
- It means focusing your energy on healing, not the hurtful action.
- Forgiveness allows you to move on with your life.
- It lifts anxiety and depression.
- Forgiveness means restoring yourself to basic goodness.
- Your health improves.
- Forgiveness can enhance your self-esteem.
- It gives you hope.
- Forgiveness allows you to restore faith in yourself.
- You then have the freedom to begin many new and healthy life choices.
- Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past hurts.
- You benefit more from forgiving than the person you forgive.
- Forgiveness helps you make peace with the past.
- You are free to create a new future.
- Forgiveness helps us on our path to inner peace.
Melissa’s son is now in recovery and is working to get his life back together, yet she still occasionally has pangs of remorse around what she could have done differently. She continues to work towards forgiving herself.
Forgiveness is an important part of the healing process. While it is important to forgive our loved ones, it is also important to forgive ourselves. When we forgive, we set ourselves free.
I would love to hear your thoughts on forgiveness. How can forgiveness help you move forward? Let us know in comments.
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I find this so amazing: “Studies have shown that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. Forgiveness improves physical health. When people think about forgiving an offender, it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems.”
As you say, there have been times when I found it difficult to forgive. But I always aspire to being to forgive and eventually that leads to forgiveness for me.
That is a good aspiration, Sandra. Forgiveness does feel like the way to overall healing, however I do understand how it is a work in progress for all of us.
It’s amazing how many benefits of forgiveness there are – or how our emotional and mental state can affect our physical body.
So true, Ellen. It is interesting how one area affects the rest. Always good to remember when we are facing challenging times. Thanks!
Have you read Carolynn Myss’ book “Why People Don’t Heal And How They Can”? It has such good info on this topic. She posits, and I found it to be true when healing from my brain injury and suicide attempt, that forgiveness actually allows the release of healing energy, both physically and mentally.
No, I haven’t Debbie, but I will take a look at her book. Interesting that it allows the release of healing energy, both physically and mentally. Thank you for sharing that.
It makes perfect sense to me Cathy. The energy of holding grudges is so poisonous to not only our physical body, but to our heart and soul. No surprise that lack of forgiveness or resentment makes for a sick, unhappy life.
That is a good point, Elle. When we hold in our resentments, it cannot be a healthy situation. Take care!
God forgave us and he never hold your past against you.
Thank you Lucy!
Hi Cathy – couldn’t agree more with all the reasons on this list for forgiving. Forgiving is good for the body, mind and soul. I’ve noticed that when we don’t forgive we carry around the hurt and pain the person caused us for an even longer period of time. Forgiveness allows us to let go.
Hi Cathy,
Thank you so much for this post. So often in recovery addicts neglect the people who have cared for them and are closest to them. What an amazing insight for both the addict and the loved one of the addict to forgive themselves. I was particularly moved when you listed “Forgiveness helps us create a new future.” This is such a powerful statement and holds so much weight and truth in recovery in all forms.
Thank you so much for the grace and wisdom you’ve shown.
I appreciate you stopping by.
So true, Vishnu that forgiveness allows us to let go. It helps us to move forward. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about forgiveness.