Do you feel entrapped by addiction?
Do you feel you’ve lost your freedom because of your child’s substance use?
The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage. ~ Thucydide
The fourth of July is next Tuesday. It is that beloved reminder of our freedom and independence in America.
We live in a free country because of the courage of many. Some, however, may not feel so personally free this year.
Instead, they are entangled in the web of substance use and addiction. Life may feel like it is spiraling out of control.
When faced with your child’s drug or alcohol use, becoming fixated on trying to help is easy. Most parents feel driven to do whatever it takes to solve the problem. It can become all-consuming.
When I faced drug and alcohol use in my family, I felt I had lost the power to decide and could only react to what was in front of me. I had lost my freedom because of a lack of sleep, worry, and fear.
My life had spiraled out of control, and I did not feel free.
I am grateful that my daughter changed her life, but we will never forget those days when we were both struggling.
Here are her thoughts about freedom and the 4th of July:
When I think of the 4th of July, I immediately picture BBQ grills, fireworks, and the American flag.
It’s a fun day to spend with family and friends and celebrate our country’s independence.
This holiday also makes me think about personal independence or lack thereof.
Whether you realize it or not, you have lost your independence when suffering from an addiction.
In the beginning, during days of drinking and drug use, your child feels entirely in control.
You are choosing how much to use or take, how much money to spend on your drug, and what you will do to get it. After some time (a few weeks or a few days), that sense of control will disappear, and you will become enslaved entirely to your addiction.
Alcoholism and addiction take charge of your life, and you end up just along for the ride. Daily, you make your own choices, whether you are in addiction or not.
You decide whether or not to spend your last $20 on food or booze. You determine if you will make it to that critical family gathering on time or at all.
These choices may be easy for most people, but every decision is controlled by the need for the next high for those in the midst of their addiction.
I can say from experience that being dependent on drugs and alcohol is lonely, sad, and a shameful way to live.
Some of you want to be sober, a good family member, successful and happy.
And often, you know what you need to do; you may not be willing yet.
It is not easy to overcome an addiction, but to live without independence is no way to live.
As a parent, we have the power to make choices for ourselves that can make a difference for everyone involved. There are never any guarantees. And everyone’s situation is different. Still, some of these ideas may help your situation so that you feel more in control of your freedom and life.
Choose to stay afloat rather than go “down with the ship.”
When our kids are spinning out of control, we can be the anchor that keeps everyone grounded. When we are in control, it helps keep things as calm as possible to make better decisions.
We can do everything we can to care for ourselves during this stressful time. Being a source of strength is essential when dealing with substance use.
Communicate in the most positive way possible with your kids.
Positive communication is essential when talking with your child, no matter how frustrated or angry you feel. I just saw an interesting video today by Luke Benoit, a life coach. He was the teacher of a course I recently took.
Luke mentions visualizing yourself throwing down a giant bubble around you when talking with someone you are concerned about. The idea is to protect yourself from hurtful words. Give yourself a virtual space so that you have thinking time to communicate calmly and positively. The conversation has a better chance of being helpful rather than continuing in a negative cycle. It is an excellent time to remember not to take anything personally.
With courage, you can choose to face the truth of your situation.
I know I was initially in denial about my daughter’s drug use. It did not serve her or me well. Being in denial prolongs the agony of substance use. It may prevent your child from making positive changes and can add years to the problem.
When you choose to face the truth of your situation, solutions, and ideas start to take hold. You cannot solve a problem unless you face it.
Choose to understand what your child is going through.
While anger and fear may be our first reactions to a situation that seems out of control, understanding the root of the problem is helpful. You will understand why your child must use substances to ease the pain. In addition, your role in the situation and what you can do to help them find a better way becomes more apparent.
Knowledge is power. Read and educate yourself about drug and alcohol use.
Many books on addiction, websites, courses, and online videos exist. Some contain information about the facts of addiction, while others share personal experiences. Many are worth reading.
Educate yourself about addiction to make informed decisions that will promote positive change.
Set boundaries for yourself and your other family members
Recently, I’ve noticed many parents I’ve talked to have struggled with setting acceptable limits for their struggling children. Each situation is different, so thinking about what will be the most helpful for you and your family is essential. Do things that will support your child’s long-term recovery.
You’ll feel much more in control of your life when you have clarity about your boundaries and can communicate them effectively. When our children are in pain, it can feel very tempting to do whatever you can to solve your child’s problems for them. Allow your kids to take responsibility. Be helpful and supportive, but don’t shield them from their actions.
Choose not to isolate. Reach out for support.
You can ease the stigma by contacting someone who has experienced a similar situation. We can learn from others who have gone before us or who have studied substance use. When we connect and have empathy and compassion, it helps us feel better and less isolated. Talking with someone who can be supportive is often the beginning of change. There are many groups available.
Choose to stay focused on the solution.
Your immediate thought might be that you cannot solve your child’s addiction problem alone. The solution, for now, could be to start by getting yourself mentally and physically healthy.
You become a role model for a healthy lifestyle when you take care of yourself. It can have a trickle-down effect. Acknowledge and support your child’s positive change toward recovery as often as possible.
Choose to forgive.
There are many things your children may have done during their drug or alcohol use that may feel unforgivable. They may have lied, stolen, wrecked the car, or been abusive. The list can go on and on.
When we forgive, we get back the power we have given away. It’s now ours to keep. We can use this power of forgiveness to give ourselves the freedom to move on.
Celebrate this 4th of July by knowing that you are free. You can have the life that you deserve. Hope and healing are possible for everyone.
Access research-based resources to help you support your child in a kind, compassionate way, which can lead to change.
And consider getting access to my online course, Regain Your Hope, an online course that gives you an action plan to help your child. Know that your child can change. Love, Cathy
Consider checking out my book, The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Addiction.
