The Truth About Pills: Powerful Interview with MaryBeth Cichocki

 MaryBeth Cichocki, author of Letters to Matt,  shares her journey about her son, Matthew and his use of pills. I’m honored to share MaryBeth’s interview and have so much respect because she continues to spread awareness and helps others after her devastating loss. 

1. For readers who don’t know you please briefly introduce yourself.

My name is MaryBeth Cichocki and for 36 years I was a registered nurse. The last sixteen years I took care of babies in the critical ICU. And in the last seven years of my career, I found out that my son was addicted to pain medication. Unfortunately, I later found out that he was involved with a medical practice that was really “a pill mill hiding behind a white coat”.  Matthew’s addiction took over the last seven years of our lives. Since then, I have become an advocate.

Unfortunately, Matthew passed in January of 2015. He never used heroin and being a nurse, I am still shocked. I never thought that he would die. I didn’t realize that the pills were just as powerful as heroin. They really are heroin in pill form. And one day Matthew got confused and forgot how many he took, and he took a little too much and he never woke up. So, I was unable to go back to being a NICU nurse. I felt like my brain broke.

I started advocating in my state of Delaware to shut down pill mill doctors, and to get the opioid manufacturers to pay a fee for every pill that comes into our state now. The fees go to help pay for treatment for those who are still struggling with addiction in my state. 

2. Please share your story from a mother’s perspective of having a son struggling with substance use because of using pills and trying to help him change.

Well, I felt like I was trapped on a roller coaster because from one day to the next everything changed. And I never knew what to expect. There were really good days when he would be in a good mood and looking back now, I guess he was able to get the pills that he needed. But there were fights too because I would see him in a way that he couldn’t see himself. As we all know, this disease changes your brain. And I think it tricks addicts into believing they are in control when they are really not. So, I had a really hard time.

When they are over eighteen, the HIPAA laws are a challenge. I think they need to be rethought when it comes to addiction because they really do prevent parents from getting them into treatment and keeping them in treatment. So that was the hardest thing for me, trying to get Matt to realize how the addiction had control of his life. He needed help and a lot of the times that would lead to arguments that would leave us both angry and heartbroken.

It really hurt me to watch him lose everything he worked so hard to accomplish. He had a house at the beach. He was very productive. He owned his own business. He was a mechanic. And little by little, people stopped going to his business. I don’t think Matt realized how he came across but after a while, that became his normal. And for me, I could see that his thought processes were off, and his coordination was off, so he lost a lot of customers.

And then he came home. He lived with us for the last seven years so I really got a first-hand look at how ugly the disease is and how ugly the world can be when someone is suffering from this disease. As a nurse, I was really disgusted with both the medical community and the insurance industry. Matt’s treatment was so lacking in every aspect of what he really needed to get well from the detox to inpatient care. He was always abandoned by the insurance company after 7-10 days of being in treatment.

They felt, “Oh well, you’re good to go.” And he was just starting to feel like a human being again. And he would be kicked out of whatever treatment facility he was in. It was always a fight with the insurance industry to get him back into treatment and I used to call it the revolving door of addiction because that’s exactly what it was. He was in four different treatment facilities, all out of state.

Unfortunately at that time, Delaware had no place for a man in his thirties to go for long-term treatment. And we still, unfortunately, lack long term treatment here. I remember just feeling so out of control and so helpless and so hopeless.  I know Matt didn’t see himself as being addicted. He didn’t see himself as having a problem.

I know he had legitimate pain. He had rods and screws in his back from the surgery. But he was abusing the pills and his tolerance was building up, and he couldn’t see that. So, we had a lot of horrible fights, said a lot of horrible things to each other in anger because I wanted to save him.

He never got to the point where he felt he needed to be saved. I always felt like I was banging my head against the wall, and it’s so frustrating when you are not only fighting with your child, but you are fighting with the insurance company and trying to get him help. It was one of the worst times of my life. 

Being a nurse, I would see how cancer patients were treated. Like smokers, for example. I would always hear, “Well Matt did it to himself.” and I would think, “Now wait a minute, You’ve got a cigarette hanging out of your mouth, so when you get lung cancer are you going to feel the same way if somebody says to you, you did this to yourself, and now we’re not going to treat you?”

Because that is exactly how I felt Matt was being treated. It was piecemeal. It was never continuous. It was never anything that was worthwhile. I just felt like we were in a losing battle and as I said, I just felt so hopeless and alone. 

I’d be at work, for example, and everybody would be talking about their kids. Oh, this one’s going to college. This one is getting married. This one is having a baby. This one is buying a house. I would just cringe and say, my son, is an addict. Would do you think about that? There was a little bit of shame there, which now I’m kind of ashamed that I didn’t just come out and say, well my son has a disease. Back in those days and still today, the stigma is still alive, and people still have the mindset that people do it to themselves, that it is a choice. 

I found out myself firsthand that it isn’t a choice. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I had a fracture in my back that that is how they found my cancer. I was given Percocet and unfortunately, I was in so much pain, I thought, okay, I can do this. I’m a nurse. I’m an educated person. I know the dangers. I was only on 5 mm, I would take it once a day or twice a day, depending on the pain level. I will tell you that on the sixth day, I said to my husband, I don’t feel well. I feel like I’m getting sick.

He would say to me, “Did you take your pill today?” I didn’t because I felt well. I thought I’m not going to take it if I don’t need it. Then I recognized that my body had started to go through withdrawals. I was horrified and I thought, my God, I’ve only been on these pills for six days. This is how I’m feeling because I didn’t take one.

I was shocked that it happened that quickly and with such a low dose, and to me, because I’m educated, and I saw what happened to my son. I can tell you it was a battle mentally and physically because I was in pain and my brain kept saying, “Oh just take that pill, just take that pill. 

You’ll feel better. It will take away your pain. My psyche was saying, “No, you can’t do this. You’re going to get addicted. You are addicted and this is why you’re going through this.”

I can tell you that for a day, I battled. I finally got to the point where I couldn’t trust myself, so I took the bottle and I filled it with water. I could not trust myself to not take another pill. I went through five days of horrible withdrawal symptoms. It was incredible. I have a whole new respect for people who are trying to get off these drugs because it is not easy.

People who say it’s a choice, I can tell you that it is not a choice. I’m shocked because I knew the potential. I knew that I could possibly get addicted, but I was in denial. I said, “Oh no, you won’t. You are on a low dose. You’re a nurse. You can handle this. I can tell you had I not gotten rid of those pills; I really don’t know what would have happened.

I try to tell parents that when their children relapse, when anything like this happens, it’s not a choice. They are in pain. They are trying to get rid of these withdrawal symptoms. At that point in time, if somebody had said to me, here take this rat poison and your symptoms will go away, I probably would have taken it, because I was never so sick in my life. It was ten times worse than the flu.

I was in my bathroom for three days because I could not stop vomiting. I have a whole new respect for people who are trying to get off these drugs cold turkey. It is really a rough road. I try to tell parents not to belittle them, don’t berate them, help them. Get them back into treatment. Get them on a MAT, whatever will help. It is a horrible thing, and now that I’ve experienced it firsthand, I have more empathy for people that are going through this disease. 

3. What has helped you in your darkest hours after Matt’s loss?

I think the loss of your child, especially when you watch him struggle and you see how the medical community fails them, is really tough. My faith really helped me. When Matt first died, I was really angry at God. I was really mad because you pray as a parent for them to be safe, for them to stay away from the people that will hurt them, that they will get over their addiction, and that they stay clean.

When Matt died, I was so shocked because I had just spoken to him Friday night at 6:22 pm and then he had taken too many pills and he was pronounced dead Saturday morning at 4:50 am. I struggled. I really struggled with my faith to understand. I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school and was always told that God knows what he is doing. I had some real one-sided conversations with God, the nuns would have been running for the holy water to wash out my mouth because I was very angry.

For a long time, I felt I was not good enough, that God didn’t listen to my prayers. Was he trying to punish me for something that I had done by taking my son? It took me a long time, a lot of prayers, and a lot of counseling to recognize that God really did know what Matt was up to, where I didn’t. I used to think if Matt went to prison that would be a good thing, but then when I hear about people in prison and how they’re treated, Matt would have probably tried to kill himself. 

So, I try to think that maybe God saw something far worse coming for Matt than I did and just decided to save him the way he could and not the way I wanted him saved. I wanted him saved here on earth. I look back now and I think, I just have to trust God that he did the best for Matt and he is helping me.

It took years and years. I lost a lot of friends. I hear from a lot of moms whose friends do disappear because they feel that we should stop grieving. I think the thing that helps me the most was that I started a support group here in Delaware, called Support After Addiction Death. There really wasn’t any place for a parent like me to fit in. 

I had tried Compassionate Friends, but that is kids that have died from car accidents, from cancer, and from suicide. I remember the first time I went. It was my turn to speak. I said my son died from an overdose and it was like the entire room just kind of changed. I was like wow, does my child’s death not mean the same as your child’s death? It’s still my child’s death.

I just felt like I didn’t fit in. There was another support group in town, but it was a mixed bag. There were parents in there whose kids were in treatment and were doing well. There were parents whose kids were wonderful. They were sober for years, and then there were people like me, maybe just a handful of people whose kids had died. I found it very hard as everybody is clapping about a member’s son who is in treatment and doing well and sober and going back to work.

I walked out of there sobbing, thinking what is wrong with me? Why did my son die and your son didn’t? It was far worse than anything I’d ever been to. So I decided just to go ahead and start my own group. It was the best thing I ever did.

We have become a family and we can vent. We get it. There is nothing that can’t be said in the group that we don’t understand. It’s incredible. I think parents need to get into a group that is exclusively for addiction death because there is still the stigma out there. People still think, well they did it to themselves. They deserve to die. 

There is so much ugliness out there. I’m sure you see it on social media. I also went to a one on one therapist and she really did help me work through my guilt because as parents, I think we do feel guilty.

Especially after they’ve died, you look back and you’re in a calmer frame of mind. You can think. I should have done this or why didn’t I do this? I should have made one more phone call or I should have persisted with a treatment center. When you are in the thick of it, you are on that roller coaster and you’re frantic and you can’t think straight.

When everything is quiet and everything is said and done, you try to rewrite everything. It took me a long time to forgive myself. I really blamed Matt’s death on me. That I didn’t do enough. I let him go to Florida and I never should have. I should have done this or I should have done that.

A lot of parents in my group have gone through the same thing. We really take the blame. What we don’t understand is that our kids are adults and our hands are tied.

Unfortunately, a lot of them do overdose and they do die. We just need to learn how to deal with and surround ourselves with other parents who are living our grief. We really can be a support system.

You are not going to be judged and people do get it. We really do get it, once you’ve lived this. You get it and there are no words to describe the pain. I do find that being in a group, having support like that, having someone that I can pick up the phone to call when I’m having a bad day and just cry. I don’t have to explain why I’m crying because they know why I’m crying. That has truly helped me. 

4. What suggestions do you have for parents who have also suffered the devastating loss of their son or daughter?

Well, I think for parents, they need to ignore people who tell you it’s time to move on. We’re never going to get over losing our child. It’s something that stays with you forever.

Intact families have no idea what it’s like on birthdays or holidays. It will never be the same. And I think parents need to be kind to themselves and just do what feels right to them. You have a lot of well-meaning friends that want you to come to their Christmas party or to their child’s baby shower.

I actually did try to do that. Nobody wants to talk to you. They all know what happened to you. I felt so alone in a room full of people because it was like they were afraid. It just made the situation worse for me. So, I just got to the point where I would do what felt right for me.

I’d send a gift and say, I’m really sorry. I just can’t do this. There are things that are painful, that’ll bring up things that you’ll never do with your child. Like going into a baby shower. All I could think about was that I should be the grandmother.

So, I just think it’s easier for people to do what they’re comfortable doing and not to force themselves. I also think parents need to find a way to forgive themselves because the guilt will really kill you. It can damage your marriage and your health. It damages everything.

I truly believe that every parent I’ve ever talked to did the best that they could with what they knew at the time. Things have changed since Matt’s been gone four years and nine months. The awareness that it is a brain disease, also helps me understand why it was so powerful and why I was so helpless to save him.

Parents need to understand that they really did the best they could with what they knew. Don’t ever be afraid to cry. The first time I went to the grocery store was frightening. I had a complete meltdown. I just left everything in my cart and came home.

Now, I can laugh about it. My husband opened the refrigerator and said, I thought you were going to the grocery store. And I said, well, I did. And I had to leave. I just couldn’t do it. I just ran out of there sobbing. It’s all baby steps. You do the best you can, and you just do what you can.

If you can’t. You know what? That’s OK. Forgive yourself. You suffered the biggest loss you’re ever going to suffer in your entire life. I just think parents need to be kinder to themselves.

5. What changes would you like to see in the future so that we can better meet the needs of those struggling with addiction?

I would love to sue the insurance company so they would treat addiction like they treat any other chronic treatable disease. I think the insurance industry has changed addiction from a treatable disease to a terminal one.

They really need to provide and pay for comprehensive treatment long term and they need to cover multiple inpatient and outpatient treatments. Like with cancer, you may have a relapse. They don’t deny cancer patients. So why do they turn away those suffering from addiction? Why?

They need to rethink the disease of addiction. Especially now with all the scientific research that proves it is a brain disease. I really think they need to pay for longer-term stays and more adequate complete coverage, the comprehensive mental health piece, not just for the disease, but they need to treat the person as a whole.

Instead of just parts, I’d also love to stop the mindset of choice and for the stigma to disappear. We don’t stigmatize smokers. Like I brought up before, when a smoker gets lung cancer, they’re treated. People feel compassion. They don’t point the finger and say, well, you did it to yourself. We need to stop doing that for addiction.

We also need to support those who love the person who’s suffering from addiction. There should be no shame. As a parent, I should not have felt ashamed to say, I’m happy about your son going to college. My son’s going into treatment for addiction. And that should have been as welcomed as anybody else’s story about what their child was doing, rather than have to be hidden or feel any shame.

I mean, it’s a disease. We need to treat it as such. I think schools need to start teaching about addiction in their health classes. We need to address it at a younger age because it is happening at a younger age. I’m appalled when I see 12 and 13-year-olds overdosing using heroin.

The schools need to need to bring more awareness to the danger of pills. Communities need to stop thinking, oh, well, we’re a great school district. We’re a wealthy community. Our parents are wealthy and our kids are good.

Because guess what? It happens everywhere. We need to get out of that mindset that it’s only the low-income people. That dirty people are the only ones who ever suffer from the disease of addiction. You would think that with these stars, the famous people that are coming out now and saying, hey, I have a problem with mental health. I have a problem with drug addiction, that the mindset would start to go away.

People are so afraid that it’s going to happen to their family that they run away rather than addressing the problem with their children by being open and honest. People are afraid to bring up that conversation.

I would love to see that change. I think the more we talk about it, the more we get it out there, the more parents will come forward and share their stories. We’re going to humanize addiction rather than make it a horrible, ugly thing that we need to be afraid of.

We need to change the mindset of society. We’d come a long way with the stigma if we can do that.

MaryBeth Cichocki, author of Letters to Matt, is a registered nurse living in the state of Delaware. She lost her son, Matt, to an overdose of prescription drugs on January 3, 2017. Unable to return to the world of taking care of critically ill babies, she now devotes her time to raising awareness of the dangers of these drugs. She writes a blog called mothersheartbreak.com telling the story of her battle during her son’s addiction. She remains in touch with lawmakers in Florida, where her son lost his life, pushing for regulation of sober living homes. She plans to begin speaking through different organizations, educating the public about the dangers of unregulated pain management clinics. Her dream is to one day have her blog published and set up a scholarship fund in memory of Matt to provide adult addicts the financial means to remain in long-term rehabilitation until they are both physically and mentally ready to return to a productive life. You can follow MaryBeth on Twitter.